Michael and Jaspenelle

A Year of Bed-Sharing

(Can you believe Damian was two months old here? Look at those squishy cheeks, that is enough to melt this mommy’s heart.)

Our choice to bed-share with Damian is probably the parenting practice I talk the least about. I have always felt that more families in this country bed-share then statics illustrate (even if they didn’t set out to do so,) especially when the mother breastfeeds, but that the societal taboo regarding it keeps them all but silent too.

Bed-sharing (also called the family bed or co-sleeping) is a practice in which children sleep with one or both parents, as opposed to being in a crib. According to wikipedia, it has been widely practiced historically and is still standard practice in many parts of the world, and is practiced by a significant minority in countries where infant beds are also used.

Why did we chose to bed-share? The reason at the very top of that list would be breastfeeding. Damian falls asleep at the breast and is difficult to move, when I lay down to feed him, I often fall asleep too. Seems like a match made in heaven doesn’t it? It became so natural to breastfeed at night that Damian quit waking up to find a breast, which was really nice (not having to sooth a baby back to sleep.)

The number one question I am asked regarding bed-sharing is if I have ever worried about crushing/suffocating/otherwise maiming Damian in my sleep. The first night we brought him home I did, but I haven’t since. Honestly, there has never been a time when something even scared me about Damian laying between Michael and I. Normally Damian and I sleep on our sides, facing each other. His head rests on my elbow so that my arm very naturally wraps around cradles him in his sleep. When I roll over (if he needs to switch sides to eat) I hold him lightly to my chest and the transition is easy, not even waking him up. If his breathing changes at night or he fusses even a tiny amount for any reason I instantly wake up. I don’t think any of those indicates I am a light sleeper or hypersensitive, they are just instincts I naturally have as a mother. I don’t worry about Michael either, he has the his own protective Daddy instincts.

It is important that bed-sharing bed done properly though. I say properly because people often tell me bed-sharing horror stories when they find out we do about the death of a child because of bed-sharing. Not surprisingly these stories seem to always involve a parenting on drugs or who is drunk or one who has health problem (sleep apnea for example.) Getting drunk or high and passing out on your baby is not bed-sharing, it is child abuse.

I am also asked if I worry about him being co-dependent. While my proof is anecdotal, Damian is a very independent one-year-old, so I really have no worries. There is some research that has been done that seems to show there are actually quite a few benefits to bed-sharing. Since I am not here to talk to into doing it, I’ll just link anyone interested to an article about bed-sharing and the research that has been done.

People also ask me if Michael and my intimacy took a hit since we bed-share. (Dad, skip this paragraph unless you want to be mentally scarred again.) Yes, it took some adjustment. Yes, we have sex less. But people, you can have sex in other places then a bed and just because you bed-share does not mean a baby cannot be laid down elsewhere for a short nap. So yes, sex takes more planning, but I am pregnant again so obviously something happened. I hear couples who use cribs talk about a decline in sexual activity too, so I don’t think it is really as big an issue as it seems. Where there is a will, there is a way, right?

How long will we bed-share? Michael and I actually bought Damian a toddler bed four days ago. We knew that we did not want to move him to a crib, so Michael and I decided to waited until Damian was completely competent at getting in and out of our bed (which he has been for about a month.) We didn’t want to rush him into his own room, so his new bed is currently between the wall and my side of the bed (see thumbnail, his Grandma Stewart made that quilt by the way!) Damian has been taking his nap in it and I lay him down after his night feeding for bed time. He doesn’t stay in it all night yet, and I am not forcing him to, but every night he stays in it a little bit longer. (I am a big fan of gradual transitions.) If I was not pregnant, I would probably let him bed-share longer, but I want him to be well adjusted to sleeping on his own well before the new baby arrives so that the does not feel that he is being evicted and replaced.

I want to re-emphasize, bed-sharing is definitely not for everyone. Just like our other parenting decisions, the key to making bed-sharing work is that Michael and I decided on it together while looking at the needs of our child. Both of us like bed-sharing and neither of us get high, drunk or have medical conditions that impact our sleeping habits. Ultimately we made a choice that we felt was the healthiest for Damian and in the end that is all that matters to us.

It’s Official!

I had my first appointment with my midwife Linda (who helped birth Damian) and heard the baby’s heartbeat, that means it is official, I am pregnant!

I know that most of you probably already suspected or knew that. For those who visit my site, Michael enabled the counter and registry in the right hand tool bar when the home test came up positive. I didn’t want to announce till after the first appointment though, and not on Damian’s birthday. That is his big day, this Saturday!

So the details… I am about 8 weeks along, my due date is January 6th. How much do you want to bet I will go into labor on my birthday (January 9th?) Michael is hoping for December 31st though, that way we get the tax stuff that comes with a baby for 2009, hehe. In the end, we just want another healthy baby (and preferably just one, too many dreams of twins flying around for my liking.) Our little family is growing!

Damian is going to be a big brother!

A Year as a Stay-at-Home Mom

Why did I decide to become a stay at home mother? I almost feel a post about this topic needs some kind of disclaimer. Something along the lines of:

Warning: Do Not Get Your Panties In A Knot If You Are A Working Mother. I Have Nothing Against You, Your Child(ren), Or Your Decision. I Am Sure You Are A Wonderful Mother. The Following Post Are Simply MY PERSONAL Reasons For Making A Different (not wrong, but different!) Choice.

Seriously, to be or not to be a SAHM (stay-at-home mother) is a hot topic in the mommy communities, sometimes the debate gets downright vulgar. I have been told more then once that I am a disgrace to the feminist movement and setting “the cause” back decades by being a stay-at-home mother. I hope that most working mothers do not feel this way, I definitely don’t think that working women are inferior. Can’t we all just get along? Anyhow…

Several factors contributed to my choice to be a stay-at-home mother. What was my husband’s opinion? Was it financially feasible? What did I want from my life?

Michael would have supported me either way but in the end, I feel he is content with my decision. Both his an my mother stayed at home, some one could argue it was only a natural decision for us to make. I think it is more then that though. As far as some are concerned, staying at home makes me a doormat. I am certainly not a doormat at the beck and call of some man who lords over me as though I am property. Michael and I make a great team, we are lord and lady of this household and share in it duties. Sure, I do more housework, but then he goes to work everyday and does money generating work. I say it is a fair trade-off. My mother or my mother-in-law fall into the doormat category for that matter.

Financially, it actually made more sense for me not to be employed. Since I lack a college education, my entire wage would have gone towards childcare anyways, which seemed pretty pointless. Besides, to be honest, I really do not like working for someone else. At home, I am mistress of my domain, which is really pretty sweet. Sometimes I do miss the social interaction that comes with service industry jobs, but then I remember the enormous amount of people who were rude to me. At least I only have one person throwing food at me now, and he is a heck of a lot cuter (and doesn’t drink hot coffee…) In the end I could always join a parenting group or walk to the park if I need to find someone to chat with, or call one of my friends of course.

I suppose in giving up a job I am giving up a certain amount of “Me” time. During a workday (lunch hour, breaks, on the way to and from work) I could grab that haircut or do those little errands that are way more challenging as a stay-at-home mom, but it does all balances it out in the end. Michael gives me little Mommy Time so that I can grab that soaking bath, or weed the garden, or whatever I need to do to center myself. Damian and him had a guys afternoon a month ago so that I could go buy some clothes with my friends which was wonderful. Sometimes I spend Damian’s nap time working on a personal project (like knitting, drawing mandalas or blogging.) Yes, it is harder to find me time, but I have also found that it is less important then I initially anticipated too.

What do I want from life? This is the trickiest question of the lot. I want to be happy of course, but what does that mean for me? Can happiness be found at work, going back to college to learn a new skill, dedicating my entire day and night to the nurturing of a child? Seriously, all of those have their pros and cons, but I chose to stay home because the thought of leaving my child with someone every day was just to heart wrenching for me to contemplate. I don’t want to miss one milestone, not the first smile, the first step, the first word, even the first big bump and bruise. I want to be the one to kiss those young and tender hurts away and cheer on the accomplishments. Is that selfish? Maybe. Does it make me happy? Usually. Is Damian happy? I think so. I feel I am fulfilling his needs the best I can because of my decision to stay home, and that makes me truly happy.

There use to be a commercial on tv that said “having a baby changes everything” and I didn’t realize how true that was until we brought Damian home. No transition that big is easy, choosing to stay at home or not is only one aspect of the many choices that factor into life-after-labor. There have been moments where I have wanted to throw a mommy tantrum and run screaming from the house to find “real people” to talk to, but truly, those moments have been few and far between. I feel really blessed that I have been able to chose this life. I feel like I am where I suppose to be and I think that ultimately that is really what matters.

Fuchsia Dream

Last night I had a dream in which I was a bystander, watching myself, or someone who looked exactly like me. The “I” referred to in this post is the person I am watching.

I was standing in the middle of a very flat desolate landscape, with hard white ground as far as the eye could see, perhaps it was a salt flat. I am standing looking towards the pale blue sky with my arms raised, palms up, the wind is blowing my skirt behind me. I am wearing a blue ground length skirt, almost exactly like this one and a fuchsia peasant blouse, similar to this one. I am also wearing Damian in my Maya wrap, except its fuchsia rather then grey.

(Yep, I said fuchsia, as in electric pink. Totally not my color, I do not even own anything remotely pink. In fact I avoid pink like the plague… but I do have to say, fuchsia didn’t look half bad on me in the dream. Dreams can make anything look good I guess!)

I was calling out some kind of invocation, I don’t remember the words, but as I spoke them everything around me turned every shades of pink imaginable. The sky, the ground, all pink, even the air seemed to take on a hazy fuchsia tint. The pink seemed to emanate from me. Gradually as my invocation came to an end the pink faded. The bright white ground and blue sky returned.

A few moments after my invocation ended, there was a rumbling, one that I felt more then heard, and suddenly it was as if the world around me was fast forwarding. Water flooded the ground, swirling up to my knees and then receding. As it receded, low growing plant life grew in its wake and insects buzzed. Small bushes grew, then shrubs, then small trees, the towering ones. Soon I was in a dense forest, not unlike Colville National Forest (that photo is taken in them.)

A huge tree grew around me and I stood in a hollow alcove within it. Ivy climbed up its trunk, draping in front of me like a curtain. The seasons changed and the ivy turned red and its leaves fell. A little boy, Damian I assume, came running out of the tree and I followed. Michael followed too (where the heck did he come from?) and snow began to fall. Spring came and the little boy brought me a (pink) daisy chain and smiled up at me.

I woke up.

The dream was very chaotic but felt powerful. I don’t know about all the pink but in a general way it represents love doesn’t it? From love life comes forth perhaps? Any thoughts?

Motherhood

Photos from Manito

This past Saturday, our photographer friend Andrea did some family photos of us in Manito Park. It was really fun. I really love how the photos turned out, Andrea did an excellent job.

We are hoping to get her to take a set every few months for the first year. We are going to be getting prints of a few of our favorites from this shoot. I can’t wait to see them! (and frame and scrapbook them. I have been working on Damian’s “First Year” scrapbook lately.)

This one of us is one of my favorite of the three of us (we are getting a couple extra prints of it for family too.)

These are a few of the others from that day:

(more…)

Lughnasadh Feast Blessing

I was working on putting all the information I have on Lughnasadh together in an understandable order when I ran across this feast blessing. I have always rather liked it but I have no clue what the original source was. Does anyone recognize it?

Now is the Time of the First Harvest,
When the bounties of Nature give of themselves
So that we may survive
O God of the ripening fields, Lord of the Grain,
Grant me the understanding of Sacrifice
As you prepare to deliver yourself
Under the sickle of the Goddess

And journey to the lands of Eternal Summer
O Goddess of the Dark Moon,
Teach me the secrets of rebirth
as the Sun loses its strength and the nights grow cold.

I partake of the First Harvest,
Mixing its energies with mine
That I may continue my quest
For the starry wisdom of Perfection
O Lady of the Moon and Lord of the Sun,
before Whom the Stars halt their courses,
I offer my thanks
For the continuing Fertility of the Earth.
May the nodding grain loose its seeds
To be buried in the Mother’s breast
Ensuring Rebirth in the Warmth of next Spring.

[EDIT: A commenter informed me that it originally appeared in "Wicca, A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner" by Scott Cunningham.]

My dad will be arriving in Spokane to visit on Lughnasadh, hopefully we won’t scare him too much, hehe.

Some people have asked me if I will be raising Damian in my spiritual path, the answer is yes and no. I have no desire to hide my spirituality with him or exclude him from the traditions Michael and I have formed (such as celebrating the sabbats.) I think family traditions are important and give a child memories to look back on later in life, much the way I fondly look back on Christmas and Easter now.

This will be his first Lughnasadh and he will be present for our celebration of course. As he grows I will explain as much of our beliefs to him as I feel he is ready to absorb. I also intend on teaching him other belief systems as well, and ultimately the choice if what he wishes to practice is his. There is no such thing as too much knowledge. When he is older, if he chooses to continue to follow my path, so be it, if he is called to another, so be it.

Things I Have Noticed Since Giving Birth

I am sure there are more motherhood revelations to come, but that’s what I got so far… and Damian is only been 5 1/2 weeks old!

• My problem with poo? Totally gone.
• “I’ve worn this skirt once already” has become “Hey this is still clean!”
• Being afraid of dropping the baby has turned into balancing him on my shoulder while burping him while bouncing him while I complete various tasks.
• There is no such thing as too busy to grab a nap.
• The pursuit if spiritual enlightenment now only requires looking at my baby (awwww.)
• I use to be the slowest eater in the world, now I eat even faster then Michael, probably even faster then my brother.
• I could never eat soggy cereal before without gagging, now even after it has turned to mush it tastes fine… It is quick, pretty healthy and still edible, therefor I eat it.
• In fact I can eat while I change a diaper.
• Quiet mediation time has turned into funny faces at baby time.
• As has meal time and bath time and…
• Breastfeeding Baby + Cloth Prefold Diaper = Table. Just toss that prefold over his body and you can totally rest your journal and pen there… or your bowl of cereal.
• Exercise has now become wearing the baby in a sling while cleaning (which is surprisingly calorie intensive.)
• Breastmilk stains no longer bother me (nor does spit up.)
• Spit is seriously the best cleaner ever, someone should market it.
• Seriously I think it could cure cancer or something.

Financial Obstacles

Let’s see, in the past three and a half weeks I’ve given birth, got a bladder infection (remember to stay hydrated people!), the van has broken down, Damian and I have gotten thrush and now Windigo has an eye infection, it looks like Aos is getting it too.

Seriously, is financial stress part of parenthood? Why does everything seem to go expensively wrong at the same time.

The gas pump died on our van a week ago and apparently a former owner replaced the fuel line with normal hose so it has to be replaced too (since it was leaking.) $700 for that. We broke down in a parking lot on our way to my two week midwife appointment, that was fun in the blistering heat. Our friend Shannon came and picked up Damian and I though (bless her) while Michael waited for the tow truck.

Damian and I have thrush at the moment (it is basically a yeast infection in his mouth that got transfered to my breasts.) I get chronic yeast infections so it is not too surprising but it is certainly not making the nursing experience pleasant. We are treating it though and it is starting to improve. I feel guilty for giving it to him, though I know it is really not my fault. though I could cut more sugars out of my diet (which hasn’t been the best this past few weeks…) I had forgotten till now how much my physical and mental self suffers when I do not control my diet better. It is more stressful emotionally then financially. It is making Damian’s bowel movements irregular, it is hard to see him struggle. I have been wearing him in the sling most of the day so that he feels secure, it seems to be helping.

I called the vet today and explained that we really couldn’t afford to bring the cats in but that I know what is wrong with them (they get this thing about once a year, it is a reoccurring herpes eye infection. They get it when they get stressed.) I said we would bring them in if we had to though, they are part of our family after all. Luckily the vet was really understanding and though he can’t give us the antibiotic without seeing them, he can give us an anti-viral gel. Michael is picking it up after work. We have never used this treatment on them so fingers crossed that it works.

Does anyone else has this problem with any of their animals? Is there anything preventative you do for it (other then trying to keep them low stress?)

The +90F heat isn’t helping any of this. We don’t have screens so we can’t open the windows to get a breeze going (we only have AC in one room) the cats would get out if I opened them as is. I called the landlady about it today and tried to be as polite as possible. She was also understanding (I am thankful for all these small miracles) and is going to see what she can do about it.

I am wondering what will happen next and how we will get through it. I know we will, we always do, and if anything this makes Michael and my relationship stronger because it shows us how much we need each others support. I am quite an optomistic person but this is even dragging me down I guess.

This will probably be amusing to some, but when I am feeling down I love listening to Walking in Memphis to calm my mind. It is such a beautiful song. Marc Cohn has such and amazing voice. Music is a force more powerful then the darkest mood in my life.

Flying solo

Michael went back to work today so I have been flying solo with Damian since 8:30 this morning. So far we ate breakfast (both of us), napped for 2 hours, changed a cloth diaper, breastfed, changed another diaper (almost resorting to a disposable due to flailing baby), gave some comfort boob, and then he fell asleep on my chest. If I had a third arm I would take a photo in the funny balancing pose I have the laptop in so I can type this both hands…

I am going to have to extract myself from this pose shortly to make myself some more food. It hasn’t been too difficult so far but afternoon is approaching, his most active time. Maybe I will take him for a little walk in one of the wraps.

A few days ago, Michael, Damian and I drove out to Mother’s Haven where we got a breastfeeding pillow (made by Luna Lullaby, it is amazing) as well as a Maya Wrap. I love Mother’s Haven, I don’t think I will be buying any mother/baby stuff anywhere else if I can find it there. The owner is an amazing woman and the quality of her products are outstanding.

We got the Maya Wrap for Michael because it is very easy to put on and get use to. Damian loves it, we went for a walk around the Farmer’s Market with him after we bought it.

I have a Moby Wrap which is a bit tricker but better to secure Damian while I do housework. We are both getting use to it and how tight or loose it has to be. Still haven’t tried breastfeeding in either one.

Michael and I have been handfasted for one year today. We decided this morning that Damian is the best gift ever.

And the best gift ever needs a diaper change now.