Michael and Jaspenelle

Nightmares and Dreams

I had a bunch of dreams last night, all very disjointed and some nightmarish (though a little funny upon waking up.) These are the ones I remember clearly enough to describe:

Michael and I had just bought a house and were standing in the living room, which had wooden floors and lots of windows. I noticed the living room window was a drive thru window. I stuck my head out and a car pulled up with two of my friends (in the dream, I don’t know them in real life.) The woman, who was South African, gave me a $20 bill for something and drove off to catch a plane. She had a bear decal on the back of her car. I took the $20 to Michael and explained we should split it 50/50 so he gave me $10 of his money from his wallet and took the $20. I decided I was going to put my $10 in my gardening fund jar. I went to find the jar.

Then I woke up briefly. It was raining outside. I laid in bed for a few listening to that lovely sound and enjoying the fresh air. I dozed off.

I was walking in the forest eating a carrot when I saw a huge brown/gray bear. It saw me too and started coming towards me. I stopped, rang by bear bell and yelled at it, which didn’t affect the bear walking towards me. Apparently bear bells and yelling don’t work in dreams (I have heard they pretty much don’t work with some bears in the wild either.) The bear started trotting and I ran, at which point I realized I didn’t have shoes on - still had my carrot though! A crow flew over my head and led me to a I found a hollowed out tree stump and hid in it. But the bear found me and started ripping at the tree stump with his claws. I was utterly terrified, I knew the bear wanted my carrot and would kill me for it but I didn’t want to give it to him because, well, it was my carrot!

Then Damian woke me up. 3am! Time for potty and a boob, and then back to sleep.

Back to Michael and my new house, we had just finished moving in when a pipe broke upstairs which leaked through the ceiling onto my altar and ran the paint of a painting I made that hangs on the wall above it. I moved all the stuff and was frustrated because now we had to pay to have that problem fixed.

Then a friend came over (again a dream friend, don’t know her in real life) she had a harp with her for whatever reason. All I remember about her is that she had a mass of lovely curly hair. Her husband and a little girl were with her too. She helped me clean up some water and then played the harp to help me relax as we waited for the repairman. We talked about breastfeeding and parenting and music. Michael was playing with Damian, who was a bit older as well as the little girl. We ate chili and cornbread together too after the repairman came. Oddly enough his business logo was a bear.

Then the alarm clock went off, dang it! I have reason to believe that AZ from Kitsch and Giggles was the lady in the last dream as she plays the harp and I have found out today has curly hair. She and I have spoken a few times about breastfeeding too, (she should totally be an LLL mom.) AZ also had a dream about me last night.

Coincidence? Synchronicity? What about the bear symbol in all the dreams?

Nightmares and Tarot

I had someone mention induction to me this morning and when I was planning on doing that. I lashed out a little, which I feel bad about (I normally have much better control over my emotions.) Seriously though, I am not even to 40 weeks yet, why should I even be wasting time on thoughts of induction. Baring a genuine medical concern I have no intention on being induced, least of all using pitocin.)

Maybe I am edgy because I had a lot of nightmares last night. I think they are due to something in my life that has been unconsciously stressing me becoming a conscious stress (family stuff.) Michael had to wake me several times because my nightmares were manifesting physically. They were mostly of the falling variety or ones where family was angry at me for trivial things (like buttering the wrong side of a grilled cheese sandwich first.) I have always been an active dreamer but I am more of a lucid dreamer so I am not use to the lack of control that comes with nightmares.

I drew my tarot this morning to help ground me. I don’t believe tarot (or any form of divination) foretells the future in the traditional way. I think that the cards drawn in a reading are an aid to access the subconscious mind and release certain patterns within it for the scrutiny of the conscious mind. Each tarot card has a different meaning and these meanings help raise questions that can help us work through different situations life throws our way.

I drew three cards (I use the Celtic Dragon Tarot for anyone who is curious.)

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Hanged Man

I feel that this card represents me at the moment. I am searching for answers by journeying within myself, I will not find the answers to these questions in anyone but myself. There are simple answers all around me, but in this case I do not feel they are best as they are quick fixes.

I am someone who needs to be in control of myself and the situations that confront me, when I am not fear and indecision can undermine my efforts. The Hanged Man reminds me that sometimes we need to relinquish the desire for control and that it is only then where stagnating matters will begin to more forward again. For me, it is a difficult battle, a battle of wills against my greatest opponent, myself.

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Two of Swords

In the tarot, twos are associated with the High Priestess (a card found in the Major Arcana of the tarot) and because of this are linked to duality and instinctual knowledge. The two of swords, more specifically is used to represent tension and indecision, usually in the form of a stalemate that must be resolved by pulling down barriers piece by piece.

In my current situation this card reminds me of two important family factors in my life and my need to find some kind of balance between them, even if the answers are not as concrete as I normally would like.

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The Moon
The Moon is the card of dreams and intuition as well as the card of illusion and deception. In the moonlight everything looks different and it can be difficult to tell what is real and what is just a manifestation of your fears.

Intuition is difficult for me. I like control and facts and intuition often seems to fly in the face of that. That said I am an intuitive person but plagued by the usual self-doubt that one normally confronts when dealing with it. The Moon lights a more subtle path, one that is traveled alone but that blinds my normal sense forcing me to rely on my inner voice and instinct rather then outside influences.

This has always been one of the more difficult cards for me to interpret as it requires me to dive deeper into my subconscious and the heart of a problem then I am normally comfortable doing. Sometimes it is easier (though only in the short term) to feel like the victim then to take on the role of the rescuer. Taking the initiative, no matter how hard, yields the longterm results that I desire though.

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I don’t expect any of this to make much sense to anyone but myself, but I’m okay with that. As the cards suggest and I intuitively know, this is a journey that can only lead within myself.

The cherry on my cowpie…

With my luck today I am afraid to even boil water, the kettle will probably explode. If I go outside I bet a monkey will attack me!

Seriously, what is up with today? Nothing has gone right. I slept like crap last night and when I did doze off I had delirious nightmares and this sciatic thing is hanging on like a tick and I have the worse case of heartburn ever and my customers were horrible and some random guy tried to touch my stomach (my oversized work coat no longer seems to hide the baby belly or the guy had creepy pregnant homing instincts.)

But the cherry on all this is when I went to get an extra key cut for the mail box today I realized that I had lost my bank card.

Oh joy, I loved facing phone tree hell to get that canceled.

Meh.