Michael and Jaspenelle

Spring Showers

I love living in the Inland Northwest. I love living in a place that has amazing seasons changes and where I can feel the wheel of the year in action. I love the general timing of these changes here and how just when I begin to tire of one, the wheel turns. Admittedly Spring has taken the most adaptation on my part. There can be thunder, hail and snow all at once and then five minutes later the sun emerges so full of energy that the temperature jumps 15°F in 10 minutes, only for there to be a hard frost that night.

The gardener in me cringes somewhat at spring in Spokane but the dirty worshipping witch in me dances in the rain, laughs into the wind and basks in the radiant sun (all in the space of an hour mind you.) Soon enough summer will be here and the gardener will be appeased with zucchini, tomatoes, cucumbers, green beans and more though.

This weekend we will be camping with friends, assuming all of the Stewart household are healthy (Damian just healed from a head cold and so far Michael and I seem to have been mostly spared.) The forecast for Utopialaughastan* is expected to be 80°F and sunny so hopefully that will banish any remaining vestiges of illness on our part. With fingers crossed for good health, I can’t wait!

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* Utopialaughastan, aka New Geyershire, is 40 acres out near Moses Lake that our friend recently purchases. This will be our first trip out there as a group and we will be clearing an area for camping and blessing the land. Oh yes, there will be photos.

Lost and Found

I spent some time today working on what will be the herb garden beside the deck stairs (click here for a couple of before and after photos.) It is far from done, needing some more digging and weeding, and to be filled with compost and soil, and plants of course but I feel happy with the progress I made in the short time I was working. I eventually want to put some lattice up blocking the view to under the deck.

We knew when we chose to move here, that this property had been bought out of foreclosure. Until today, it never really dawned on me what it must feel like to loose your home. As I dug up that tiny area I found a handful of items (some of them in this picture) that the former owners had left behind. A little frog figurine, glass stones from a broken welcome tile, bits of children’s toys. I wonder what use to be in that hollow area of the butterfly? I suppose the swing set Damian plays on is the biggest reminder but that never really sank in as being “someone else’s”. To me, these things, these little treasures, give the current economic climate a very human face.

It reminds me of how much I have to be grateful for in my life. Michael’s stable and good job, a health happy child, a fantastic circle of friends and wonderful family, a food filled pantry, this house and all that it means for us.

I think that I will put a few of these found treasures throughout my garden in the spirit of recycling as well as to be little reminders of the importance of gratitude.

Life

Sometimes when I ask Michael how his day at work was he says “It went.” That pretty much sums up life in the Stewart household lately. Michael is feeling under the weather, I’m doing my usual stuff, Damian is his usual self, though he is teething (teething biscuits rock.) He did figure out a brand new baby trick today, he pushed the diaper bag up to the baby gate and tried to use it to give himself a boost across it. 7 1/2 months old and he already has his goals set on escape artist. Having children is an adventure!

I have been working on expanding my knitting skills. My mother-in-law brought by my birthday gift the other day, almost every single thing was orange. My heart sings! Orange cotton yarn, orange dusting cloths, orange glasses and pitcher! As well as a few knitting patterns for washcloths and two books, a cookbook and Chicken Soup for the Mother’s Soul. I am halfway through one of the washcloths.

I found some really soft (non-orange) yarn while I was looking for my sketchbook today and am tempted to make a baby blanket for Raveness’s upcoming bundle of joy. Who says all baby items have to be in muted pastels (unless she says so. Rule #1: The pregnant woman is always right. Rule #2: If the pregnant woman is wrong refer to Rule #1.)

My father-in-law tagged me for a meme on Facebook today and since he has never done that before, I thought I would oblige. Or try to, coming up with 25 unique factoids about me could take some time.

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Rules: read, enjoy, then have a merry day.

OR the Original Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people (more or less) to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you. — choose the rule you like best

1. I love orange. This should be decently obvious by now. I think it is one of the most under-appreciated colors out there. Orange peel is my favorite shade but I love all shades of orange as long as they do not venture to far into the realm of yellow. I also love white and green.
2. I never thought I would like children, much less want one. When I met my husband I knew I wanted children, funny how things can change.
3. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder which is just a fancy term for getting the winter blues. I prefer to say winter blues, it sounds less intimidating. Or SAD because that is the greatest acronym ever. Except maybe for GNU.
4. I also have dsylexia. I reread everything I type 5 or 6 times in a special way I learned in therapy to weed out errors. I still make mistakes of course, but I don’t feel stupid when I do anymore.
5. I would almost exclusively dress in floor length patchwork skirts all the time if I could. Jeans are a lot more practical with a baby though.
6. A lot of people think I am a geek because of all my websites and because I use Linux. In reality I am lucky I can find my way around a keyboard. Michael does all the techie stuff. My unofficial “job” is to break what he creates so that he can find the bugs.
7. I love the way my son smells.
8. After I left home I barely talked to my mother for about for two years. Now we talk regularily and and I think it is fantastic.
9. I am an intensely spiritual realistic and optimist person. It always amazes me when people find those terms to be mutually exclusive.
10. I intend on homeschooling my son and any other children I have. I feel I can do a much better job then the American school system and I am not worried about them being unsocialized since I meet people easily.
11. Except in the case of medical necessity I am strongly opposed to the use of formula. I tend to keep my opinions on it to myself though because I know how easily people get offended and I prefer to avoid arguing.
12. I generally feel that people use too many negatives to define themselves. (I don’t like yellow rather then I love orange.) It seems easier to focus on what we lack rather then what we are grateful for.
13. I try to always speak from a place of wholeness and love. No one was ever ever won over by anger and fear. That said sometimes my mouth goes faster then my mind.
14. I think Damian is starting to try to say Mama, but it might be in my head.
15. For some reason it really annoys some people that I can love without liking.
16. I sing when I am alone. I make up songs constantly.
17. I am learning to read music for the first time in my life as well as how to play instrument (the keyboard.) I wish I had learned as a child, I think it would have been easier, both to learn and find time.
18. I love music that makes me feel and books that make me think. On the flip side I love violent action flicks with little plot, as well as zombie movies. (There are a few exceptions to that though, I love movies with fantastic soundtracks, like A Walk To Remember, City of Angels and Donnie Darko.)
19. I also like M. Night Shyamalan’s movies.
20. I have been a very active dreamer since I was a child. I still remember vivid dreams I had as young as age six. I even sleepwalk, though not since Damian was born.
21. I try to avoid using the verb “to get”, I prefer “to receive” or “to understand”.
22. I am very much a DIY person, from making my own bread and pasta beginning with grinding my own wheat, to learning to knit and sew, I find it much more rewarding to accomplish something like that on my own.
23. I love camping, especially in places where I can see the Milky Way, that would be all the fire I needed if I wasn’t so fond of Michael’s cobbler.
24. Sometimes I feel like my body is too small for my soul. Sometimes I randomly feel filled with this amazing awakening flowing energy that wants to explode out of me in beautiful radiant light. I use to think it was the holy spirit.
25. I respect those who oppose me, they are my greatest teachers.

A shooting star

The soul has wings that bring it forth into the wonder we know as Life, it comes to us from the Sommerlands, from Heaven, from the Unknown. In this state of Life, it can laugh, cry, awaken, mourn, create, frustrate, hope… love. Maybe sometimes the soul isn’t always ready for these wonders, it can be pretty overwhelming to be born, (or reborn) but when does choose to come forth into our marvelous, tumultuous, inspiring little world it is a truly amazing experience. I know this because I have given birth and I knew the moment I looked into Damian’s eyes that his radiant soul knew it too. Who knew one tiny blue speck in the vastness of the universe could harbor such amazing potential?

Life, as we known it, begins and ends, what comes before or after is a mystery to most. I know the soul exists, the evidence is in my dreams, Damian’s soul came to me on wings. I accept that come people don’t agree, some people see my evidence as simple faith but my faith makes all things possible. I definitely believe in the divine, maybe not a single omnipotent being, but I believe that there are sacred forces out there that are worthy of my respect.

To me Life is most certainly only one side of a coin, the Mystery is the other. Death (and Birth) I suppose is that thin edge connecting the two. It is a turning point, a veil, obscuring the great beyond. Many of us feel apprehension as we look at Death (and as we wait for a Birth too.) Why, do we fear the Mystery? To people of faith, we might feel an understanding of the Mystery, but even we see the transition as daunting and sometimes terrifying, both to watch and experience.

Everything must eventually die. From the body the soul takes flight once more back into the Mystery, into the embracing, welcoming and joyous light of the divine. For some, the ancestors who have not yet returned to Life will be there to greet them under the golden apple trees of the Sommerlands, for others all their loved ones in Heaven as well as God will be there with open arms. I know those I love and who have crossed over look back at us and smile. They send their love and check in from time to time.

Birth is a celebration, the midwifing a beautiful soul into our world. It is a mysterious and wondrous transition. Death is also mysterious but should it be celebrated? Sometimes the dieing are fortunate enough to be comforted, to be midwifed back into the Mystery, surrounded by those who love them. We hold varying degrees of rituals and celebrations for those who pass on. I do think some kind of farewell is necessary, if only to bring comfort to our own souls.

I had a dream last night, and echo of one I had when I was a few months pregnant, when I condor brought me Damian’s soul. I watched the condor as it lead a shinning flying soul into the starlit sky and the light of that soul grew as it rose, a blazing lantern at first, then a radiant sun, then an all colorful shifting blue and gold light, the aura that which faded into a streaking shooting star passing over the horizon of our Wild Old Mama Earth.

I knew I had to share the dream when I woke up, so here we are at the end of my post. I am a bit lacking for some form of eloquent conclusion so I will share I little Eskimo legend I heard once that seems strangely fitting with that dream.

On the darkest nights, near the stairway from Earth to the Sky (the constellation we know as Orion,) the ancestors come out to dance. The stars are the lights around their dance floor and they are the Gulla, the aura. They are letting us know that they are happy.

Birthday

My 22nd year in this big beautiful world has been amazing. I gave birth, I loved fiercely and deeply, I developed spiritually, I made new friends and renewed old friendships. I lost a few too but I do not grieve, I know that our paths will meet again when the time is right. I have found an endless well of optimism and joy both in myself and in the laughter of friends and family. All I need for a gift is the smile of a friend, your smile!

I hope that I have become a little smarter this year too, maybe even wiser. I have a lot more patience now, that is for sure. Here is to my 23rd year of life, love and happiness:

Monday’s Musing: Motherhood

One lamp - thy mother’s love - amid the stars
Shall lift its pure flame changeless, and before
The throne of God, burn through eternity -
Holy - as it was lit and lent thee here.

~ Nathaniel Parker Willis

Damian turned four months old today. He had a check up with Dr Kincaid this afternoon and he is healthy and perfect in every way (and teething!) This evening her crawled all the way across the bed. I’m so insanely proud. I cannot believe how fast time has gone by, four months already!

And yet… I can hardly imagine life without my Bumblebee. When I try to imagine it, my existence feels so incomplete without him. When I look at Damian (growing so fast!) soundly sleeping against my legs as I type this, I know that I would do anything for him. I know that I would give my life to protect him, I would have given my life even before he was born to protect him. I wonder if all mothers feel this way?

Some might say (and have said,) it has only been four months, how can I be so certain of the depth and berth of my love for my son? In response I can only say, how could I ever be uncertain? My love for Damian echoes in every cell, in every molecule of my being. No matter how much he can frustrate me, I always love him. I loved him before I met him.

Recently, in one of my online communities, a mother lost her three month old daughter to SIDS. I cannot even begin to fathom that kind of pain. Quite literally, my mind will not even allow my thoughts to wander in that direction, there is a white hot wall of agony barring my mind from dwelling on that horrific thought for more then a second. My heart has never ached so much at any other thought. The mother of that baby left the community, questioning if she should even be in the group anymore, as she was no longer a mother.

I wanted to cry out and wrap my arms around her, holding her as much to sooth her pain as my own. I want to cry “You will ALWAYS be a mother!” Even if she must wait till the end of her days on this Earth to hold her child again. I truly and deeply believe her baby will be waiting for her in the life after, unchanged in the face of time and in the care of angels.

Motherhood is a transformation of self that can never be reversed. Damian is a part of me. I will never again be the same person as I was before he was conceived. To be a mother is to acknowledge a love so infinite that even God stands in awe of its power. It is to be Goddess. Such a bond cannot be broken, especially not by mortal death, for as long as we draw breath, the memories of our children live on in this world. And when we draw breath no more, we will find ourselves in the Sommerlands with them running into our arms.

I wonder if all mothers feel this way?

(Photo taken by Andrea and fiddled with by me.)

Bridges and Circles

I have recently reconnect with a couple people in my family. It feels really nice to touch base again, because one of these people has been someone I could always talk to about anything without fear of being mocked or the “I’m right and you’re wrong” debate. At the same time, this all is utterly nerve wracking.

You see, a few years ago in my drive to break free from the life I was living, I pretty much perfected a method of burning bridges. So I guess, to a certain degree, I do not feel I deserve their trust again. I’ll also admit that I might be a little wary of hidden agendas, apparently my ability to trust took a hit too. I have changed so much, how much have they changed? Will they still see me the way I once was?

Still, I think it is worth taking the chance. Besides, it is not like I can get dragged into any family disputes anyhow. My nearest family is in Indianapolis (as far as I know.) Most of the rest are in either in Ontario or Mexico. My mother lives in a place in Ontario with little phone or internet access and my father and brother are the furthest. They live in the UAE which is, oh, 12 time zones away (how is tomorrow going Dad?) Ironically I talk to my father most often, since we both have skype now.

The other day it occurred to me, but for a handful of people, I hardly know my family, both my mother and fathers side. On facebook all these people friend me and I know we are related but beyond that I know virtually nothing about them. I suppose this is the sacrifice required for moving around as much as I did as a child. Not that I am complaining! I wouldn’t change my upbringing for the world, it has made me who I am.

Part of my brain says Damian should know his heritage, though I honestly am not sure if he will miss not knowing most of his biological family from my side, growing up I really didn’t miss it (until now.) He definitely does not have a shortage of local family. Most of Michael’s family lives within two or three states of us and his parents and all his siblings are within a couple hours. We also have our “framily” (friends who are like family,) in fact we are going camping with his “Aunt” Shannon and her daughter in a couple weeks. His goddessparents, Michelle and Mikcos are also local. My framily are for the most part also my spiritual circle of friends.

Still, I yearn for the family stories that I can share them with Damian as he grows - my Samhain family stories are woefully few. Honoring the ancestors is a very integral part of my faith, which is funny because I know virtually nothing about mine. I want him to know of the ancestors we set the extra place at the table for.

So I hope bridges can continue to be mended, and perhaps made into circles, so that history and laughter can be shared again (or in many cases, for the first time!)

Prayer

Each morning I do a small ritual which is made up of a short prayer to the Sun, a series of affirmations, and sometimes another prayer. (Yes, I am a creature of habit!) I touched on prayer the other day in my post about Jesus but I have been wanting to elaborate on it.

According to Wikipedia:

Prayer is the act of attempting to communicate with a deity or spirit. Purposes for this may include worshipping, requesting guidance, requesting assistance, confessing sins, as an act of reparation or to express one’s thoughts and emotions. [...] Secularly, the term can also be used as an alternative to “hope”. [...] Most major religions in the world involve prayer in one way or another.

Many of the items included in that description are things I do regularly. Requesting guidance, requesting assistance, and expressing one’s thoughts and emotions. The prayers I send out for other people are also my way of sending hope to them. So yes, I most definitely pray.

Prayer is not a term generally thrown around within the Pagan community. This is, in my opinion, because of mainstream religion. Most of the Pagans I know were once Christian and when they left that faith most of them distanced themselves from all its practices. Prayer is often one of the first things to go, which is really a bit odd when you think about it since prayer was around long before Jesus walked. To an extent, I understand the desire (however unhealthy) to bury ones past. After all, many Pagans had traumatic experiences within their former churches which are what ultimately drove them to seek beliefs that were better suited for their soul. I do think that prayer is a term Pagans have every right to reclaim though.

In my practice, prayer is not the exclusive territory of the gods. Many, if not most, of my prayers are focused towards spirits (elemental or otherwise) or my ancestors. I don’t think it matters what spirit is prayed to (if you want to send your thoughts to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, go ahead) all I think matters is that we take time to send our gratitude, hopes and wishes out into the Universe. I pray because it helps me live my life with reverence, grounds me, brings me comfort and order my thoughts.

Ultimately, prayer is an intensely personal experience and one I don’t think we should be afraid of. It is a opportunity to say exactly how you feel without repercussions, it feels good to get stuff like that off your chest, no matter how silly or serious. No matter what is said it can stay between you, the god or spirit of your choosing and the all-knowing fence post. (And of course anyone else you are comfortable sharing with.) As for me, my prayer this morning went something like this:

Blessed Mother Earth, I ask for your help on this day.
I ask that you send your Spirits of Peace to my dear friend,
She has great trials ahead of her in her fight with breast cancer.
Let her remember that it is the heart that makes the woman, not the body.
Let her remember your unconditional love, let it give her strength,
So that she may grow from this and find some joy in these hard times.
Blessed be.

I must take a moment to admire my friend, in spite of her diagnosis and the looming fear of surgery, her faith is strong and she is at peace with where ever this disease will lead her. I do not know if I could be as strong. As hard as it is for me to admit, I sometimes find myself angry with the powers that be for the trials I find myself in (and those that I love.) It is hard to remember that it is these trials and how we carry ourselves through them are what define us. That is a topic for a future blog post though.

Do you pray?

Nightmares and Tarot

I had someone mention induction to me this morning and when I was planning on doing that. I lashed out a little, which I feel bad about (I normally have much better control over my emotions.) Seriously though, I am not even to 40 weeks yet, why should I even be wasting time on thoughts of induction. Baring a genuine medical concern I have no intention on being induced, least of all using pitocin.)

Maybe I am edgy because I had a lot of nightmares last night. I think they are due to something in my life that has been unconsciously stressing me becoming a conscious stress (family stuff.) Michael had to wake me several times because my nightmares were manifesting physically. They were mostly of the falling variety or ones where family was angry at me for trivial things (like buttering the wrong side of a grilled cheese sandwich first.) I have always been an active dreamer but I am more of a lucid dreamer so I am not use to the lack of control that comes with nightmares.

I drew my tarot this morning to help ground me. I don’t believe tarot (or any form of divination) foretells the future in the traditional way. I think that the cards drawn in a reading are an aid to access the subconscious mind and release certain patterns within it for the scrutiny of the conscious mind. Each tarot card has a different meaning and these meanings help raise questions that can help us work through different situations life throws our way.

I drew three cards (I use the Celtic Dragon Tarot for anyone who is curious.)

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Hanged Man

I feel that this card represents me at the moment. I am searching for answers by journeying within myself, I will not find the answers to these questions in anyone but myself. There are simple answers all around me, but in this case I do not feel they are best as they are quick fixes.

I am someone who needs to be in control of myself and the situations that confront me, when I am not fear and indecision can undermine my efforts. The Hanged Man reminds me that sometimes we need to relinquish the desire for control and that it is only then where stagnating matters will begin to more forward again. For me, it is a difficult battle, a battle of wills against my greatest opponent, myself.

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Two of Swords

In the tarot, twos are associated with the High Priestess (a card found in the Major Arcana of the tarot) and because of this are linked to duality and instinctual knowledge. The two of swords, more specifically is used to represent tension and indecision, usually in the form of a stalemate that must be resolved by pulling down barriers piece by piece.

In my current situation this card reminds me of two important family factors in my life and my need to find some kind of balance between them, even if the answers are not as concrete as I normally would like.

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The Moon
The Moon is the card of dreams and intuition as well as the card of illusion and deception. In the moonlight everything looks different and it can be difficult to tell what is real and what is just a manifestation of your fears.

Intuition is difficult for me. I like control and facts and intuition often seems to fly in the face of that. That said I am an intuitive person but plagued by the usual self-doubt that one normally confronts when dealing with it. The Moon lights a more subtle path, one that is traveled alone but that blinds my normal sense forcing me to rely on my inner voice and instinct rather then outside influences.

This has always been one of the more difficult cards for me to interpret as it requires me to dive deeper into my subconscious and the heart of a problem then I am normally comfortable doing. Sometimes it is easier (though only in the short term) to feel like the victim then to take on the role of the rescuer. Taking the initiative, no matter how hard, yields the longterm results that I desire though.

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I don’t expect any of this to make much sense to anyone but myself, but I’m okay with that. As the cards suggest and I intuitively know, this is a journey that can only lead within myself.

Countdown

I had my midwife appointment today. I lost a pound since last time but Linda isn’t too concerned since my belly grew. I think I lost the weight doing housework actually. Since I am not on my butt at work all day anymore I have been a lot more active, I have been taking long walks in the park every morning too.

Today was Michael and my last Bradley classes (childbirth class.) We had a potluck (I made that vegan fudge for it.) We started the class 12 weeks ago with eight couples and now we are down to three (the couple in the far left of the photo had their beautiful baby boy two weeks ago but brought him today for us to meet! One other couple also couldn’t make it to this last class.) Jennifer Trunkey was the most amazing teacher, I highly recommend her to anyone local looking for a Bradley teacher. She is amazing.

I am really going to miss class, it was a beautifully supportive environment, though there has been some talk of a reunion a couple months after our babies are born (I think the last one is due in July. I am the next one due!) I really loved the class and feel it has helped Michael and I prepare physically and especially emotionally for labor and beyond.

Today marks 40 days to my due date but I do not feel stressed, I feel prepared and ready to face this upcoming remarkable transition. It is such a wonderful feeling knowing that we are soon going to have a precious beautiful baby.