Michael and Jaspenelle

Nightmares and Tarot

I had someone mention induction to me this morning and when I was planning on doing that. I lashed out a little, which I feel bad about (I normally have much better control over my emotions.) Seriously though, I am not even to 40 weeks yet, why should I even be wasting time on thoughts of induction. Baring a genuine medical concern I have no intention on being induced, least of all using pitocin.)

Maybe I am edgy because I had a lot of nightmares last night. I think they are due to something in my life that has been unconsciously stressing me becoming a conscious stress (family stuff.) Michael had to wake me several times because my nightmares were manifesting physically. They were mostly of the falling variety or ones where family was angry at me for trivial things (like buttering the wrong side of a grilled cheese sandwich first.) I have always been an active dreamer but I am more of a lucid dreamer so I am not use to the lack of control that comes with nightmares.

I drew my tarot this morning to help ground me. I don’t believe tarot (or any form of divination) foretells the future in the traditional way. I think that the cards drawn in a reading are an aid to access the subconscious mind and release certain patterns within it for the scrutiny of the conscious mind. Each tarot card has a different meaning and these meanings help raise questions that can help us work through different situations life throws our way.

I drew three cards (I use the Celtic Dragon Tarot for anyone who is curious.)

---

Hanged Man

I feel that this card represents me at the moment. I am searching for answers by journeying within myself, I will not find the answers to these questions in anyone but myself. There are simple answers all around me, but in this case I do not feel they are best as they are quick fixes.

I am someone who needs to be in control of myself and the situations that confront me, when I am not fear and indecision can undermine my efforts. The Hanged Man reminds me that sometimes we need to relinquish the desire for control and that it is only then where stagnating matters will begin to more forward again. For me, it is a difficult battle, a battle of wills against my greatest opponent, myself.

---

Two of Swords

In the tarot, twos are associated with the High Priestess (a card found in the Major Arcana of the tarot) and because of this are linked to duality and instinctual knowledge. The two of swords, more specifically is used to represent tension and indecision, usually in the form of a stalemate that must be resolved by pulling down barriers piece by piece.

In my current situation this card reminds me of two important family factors in my life and my need to find some kind of balance between them, even if the answers are not as concrete as I normally would like.

---

The Moon
The Moon is the card of dreams and intuition as well as the card of illusion and deception. In the moonlight everything looks different and it can be difficult to tell what is real and what is just a manifestation of your fears.

Intuition is difficult for me. I like control and facts and intuition often seems to fly in the face of that. That said I am an intuitive person but plagued by the usual self-doubt that one normally confronts when dealing with it. The Moon lights a more subtle path, one that is traveled alone but that blinds my normal sense forcing me to rely on my inner voice and instinct rather then outside influences.

This has always been one of the more difficult cards for me to interpret as it requires me to dive deeper into my subconscious and the heart of a problem then I am normally comfortable doing. Sometimes it is easier (though only in the short term) to feel like the victim then to take on the role of the rescuer. Taking the initiative, no matter how hard, yields the longterm results that I desire though.

---

I don’t expect any of this to make much sense to anyone but myself, but I’m okay with that. As the cards suggest and I intuitively know, this is a journey that can only lead within myself.

Countdown

I had my midwife appointment today. I lost a pound since last time but Linda isn’t too concerned since my belly grew. I think I lost the weight doing housework actually. Since I am not on my butt at work all day anymore I have been a lot more active, I have been taking long walks in the park every morning too.

Today was Michael and my last Bradley classes (childbirth class.) We had a potluck (I made that vegan fudge for it.) We started the class 12 weeks ago with eight couples and now we are down to three (the couple in the far left of the photo had their beautiful baby boy two weeks ago but brought him today for us to meet! One other couple also couldn’t make it to this last class.) Jennifer Trunkey was the most amazing teacher, I highly recommend her to anyone local looking for a Bradley teacher. She is amazing.

I am really going to miss class, it was a beautifully supportive environment, though there has been some talk of a reunion a couple months after our babies are born (I think the last one is due in July. I am the next one due!) I really loved the class and feel it has helped Michael and I prepare physically and especially emotionally for labor and beyond.

Today marks 40 days to my due date but I do not feel stressed, I feel prepared and ready to face this upcoming remarkable transition. It is such a wonderful feeling knowing that we are soon going to have a precious beautiful baby.

Blessed Beltane!

In ancient times, Beltane was a festival celebrated on May 1st by the Celts. It marked the beginning of the pastoral summer season, when livestock were driven out into their summer grazing lands.

Beltane is known as a cross-quarter day as it marks the solar midpoint between the vernal equinox and summer solstice. It is possible that it was celebrated on the full moon nearest to this midpoint as the Celtic year was based on both the lunar and solar cycles.

One of the most significant activities preformed at this time by the ancient Celts was the building of bonfires on the eve of Beltane on top of sacred hills. Those who built these fires would drive the village cattle between them as to purify the herd and bring luck to the community. People would also pass between the fires to purify themselves. Household hearth flames were doused and then lit again from the bonfires.

May Boughs (usually made of hawthorn, which blooms in the British Isles at this time of year) were made at Beltane and hung on the doors and windows of houses. The morning of Beltane often saw pilgrimages to sacred wells where rituals to their spirits were preformed and healing water was drawn.

Maypoles were also erected at this time. These were slender trees that were cut down on the eve of Beltane, their branches were removed and the resulting pole was decorated and erected in the village square, some villages also had permanent Maypoles. Maypole ribbon dances (two circles of people holding ribbons interweaving around the pole) were a common sight on Beltane.

Today, Beltane is still observed by many Neopagans. These celebrations can vary considerably despite the shared name due to the many forms of Neopaganism.

Celtic Reconstructionists celebrate Lá Bealtaine when the local hawthorn trees come into bloom, or on the full moon that falls closest to the cross-quarter day. The traditional bonfire rites are observed as well as pilgrimages to sacred wells.

Wiccans celebrate Beltane as one of their eight sabbats. Their holiday more closely resembles a Germanic festival (celebrated at the same time of year) as it is more strongly linked with fertility then the Celtic one. Many people also consider the maypole to have originated among Germanic tribes. (However, both the Celtic and Germanic cultures became very much mingled over time due to longterm Roman dominance over the area.)

In my personal practice, my main focus is honoring the Earth and the changing seasons. Spokane’s climate is certainly transitioning into summer at this time of year, so the celebration of Beltane seems fitting. As it is an important day to many local Pagans, it touches me on a community level as it is a time we can all come together and celebrate the Earth. On Saturday I will be going out to a bonfire celebration in Medical Lake. (I can’t wait!)

As far as collective modern symbolically goes, this festival celebrates the sacred unity between between lovers and pleasures. As I write this, I am 8 months pregnant with my first child, perhaps this makes this larger connectivity more apparent to me then then ever. I was a maiden at past Beltanes, ready to dance the Maypole, but now I am at the cusp of being a mother, preparing to guide a new generation through the same stages I have passed though. I have noticed that this transition phase is certainly its own trial by fire and I find myself renewed by it.

I took this photo at Fishtrap Lake a couple years ago around Beltane, Arrowleaf Balsamroot is one of my favorite local wildflowers. As I said earlier, honoring the Earth is among the highest of my personal values so I thought I would include a list of all the native wildflowers that are blooming around Spokane at this time of year. I have spotted some so far and I hope to be able to see them before Summer Solstice.

• Arrowleaf Balsamroot (Balsamorhize sagittata)
• Calypso orchid (Calypso bulbosa)
• Dogtooth Violet (Erythronium grandiflorum)
• Fairybells (Disporum trachycarpum)
• Grass-Widow (Sisyrinchium inflatum)
• Heartleaf Arnica (Arnica cordifolia)
• Nuttall’s Larkspur (Delphinium nuttallianum)
• Sagebrush Buttercup (Ranunculus glaberrimus)
• Shooting Star (Dodecatheon pulchellum)
• Trillium (Trillium ovatum)
• Western Springbeauty (Claytonia lanceolata)
• Wild Hyacinth (Brodiaea douglasii)
• Yellow Skunk Cabbage (Lysichitum americanum)
• Yellowbell (Fritillaria pudica)

I hope you all have time to spend with Nature today and have a beautiful and blessed Beltane.

Women-Only Gatherings

Occasionally people seem really shocked when they find this out about me, but I do not attend woman-only gatherings. At times people try to imply that maybe Michael is forcing me not to attend, and this is very much not the case (not that that convinces the skeptics.) I admit I like him there, he completes me in ways almost impossible to explain, but I do go to unisex gatherings by myself. I go to gatherings with only women too, but not ones that bare men from attending.

If there are woman-only gatherings out there that empowering women through means other than cutting down men, I have not yet found them (and I have been to many, so it is not lack of effort on my part.) Because of this, I prefer to avoid that particular type of exclusive gathering. I do not feel I benefit soulfully from them and it is not worth it to me to dig continue searching in the hopes of finding one that would make me comfortable.

I am not trying to be rude nor I am not try to say that such gatherings are “wrong”, they may be beneficial to some and I respect that, but please understand and respect my choice not to attend and do not try to force my hand. It will not work and just annoys me.

Feminine vs Feminist

I consider myself feminine, not a feminist. I think there is a distinct difference. To start with, I don’t believe men and women are equal. (Bare with me, I will explain what I mean by that.)

Being feminine to me, is to embrace my intellectual and sexual powers as a woman, without holding them as bait or superiority above anyone, male or female. It is about being comfortable about where I am in life. Being “at the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing”, so to say.

I feel, once upon a time, being a feminist was about this. It was about achieving equality in certain things; pay in the workplace; voting rights; protection from domestic violence and harassment; a right to purchase birth control; etc, but still recognizing the distinct differences between man and woman. Now feminism seems more about putting men “in their place” and asserting dominance over them. For example:

Awhile ago I was talking to a woman who asked me if I intended to be at a stay-at-home mother. I do, as I feel it will be more beneficial to them then being place into a nanny’s arms or daycare at three months old, besides I also have a home business. The woman then proceeded to unleash a tirade about how I was a disgrace to the “feminist movement” for only aspiring to be a lowly housewife rather then asserting myself into the workplace being “The Dominant Sex”.

I might have dismissed her argument as a fluke in the feminist community but I have found such statements to be so reoccurring as to completely turn me off to the concept of modern feminism.

But I said I don’t think men and women are equal, didn’t I? Isn’t that imply one is “The Dominant Sex” and “The Submissive Sex”? Not quite.

Starting from a purely physical standpoint, women bear children, men do not. However the children would not be possible without the man’s seed. Neither can be superior as the process is mutually symbiotic.

Psychologically, women, in general, tend to be nurturers and men, in general, tend to be protectors. Some seem to feel this turns women into victims, but I don’t feel they realize the power of a nurturer. Protectors need love and care, they need nurturers. In turn nurturers need the feelings of stability and safety that a protector can provide. Now I am not saying that every relationship has to have a man and woman to be functional, I am a supporter of gay rights, and believe those relationships can be just as functional. However many of the gay relationships I have seen have someone in the role of nurturer and someone as protector as well.

So in conclusion, I think I am more of an advocate of balance, instead of the constant power struggle between the sexes. In my opinion relationships, including platonic ones, need a yin and yang balance to promote healing and growth.

Simple Pleasures

1. Nature hikes.

2. Watching dragonflies dance over a pond.

3. Two Lumps - a webcomic about the adventures of two deranged house cats

4. Being pregnant. Even with all the moodswings, grapefruit cravings and the occasional spell of morning sickness, I feel so blessed to be at this point in my life.

5. My cats, monsters that they are, I love them to pieces.

6. Garden fresh veggies and hummus dip.

7. Lavender Lemon - my favorite scent!

8. Manito Park, especially the butterfly garden.

9. Indigenous crafts.

10. Books, especially non-fiction books. I love to read.

11. Tea, I adore tea. Loose teas, mixed teas, herbal teas teaware… Mmmm tea!

12. Making crafts; whether for myself or for sale, I just love the opportunity to see my ideas take shape using my own hands.

13. Celebrating my spiritual path everyday.

~~~

Oo! And all your help, over email and through comments, on my last post about my vulture dream. The vulture turned out to be a California Condor, I added some information about them to that post.

Eager to Complain

(A local electronics store just before opening today, the line went all the way down the block!)

People seem so eager to complain this time of year. Too much rampant consumerism, too much stress, too much Christmas music, too much cold, too much food… We have the personal choice to not indulge in these things you know? Why does it matter to you if other people if people like standing in line in the wee hours of the morning the day after Thanksgiving to shop? Let them have their fun. People seem so keen to dwell on the negative traits in others rather then encouraging the positive ones.

I admit I fall into this trend too, it is hard to stay optimistic. It is so easy to criticize. Have you ever tried to go just an hour without using the words “no” “can’t” “never” and other negatives? It is really tiring. I’ve been trying it out today, I’m trying to avoid using negatives in this post even.

I adore the Holiday season. I love the food, I love the carols, I love the decorations and getting creative with them, I love gifting, I love the gatherings, I love the cold and the snow. I am not too keen on the crazy shopping conditions but I can avoid them and shop online if I must. Besides when you hit the store at 10pm, as Michael and I seem to frequently do, chances are you are going to find short lines.

Yes, maybe we should all try to remember the charitable spirit of Christmas, but if you really want that giant inflatable snow globe for your lawn, go for it, especially if it makes you or those you love smile. I really do hope you all enjoy this time of year and all the years holidays. Happiness feels infinitely better then bitter sadness.

Litha (Midsummer)

Edit: Joanna Powell Colbert blog entry about Midsummer is completely and serenely beautiful, swelling that feeling over love towards nature in me. You should take a look at it.

~~~

Continuing on the path of exploring each sabbat as it comes and deciding if I want to adopt it into Michael an my traditions, here we are, at the Summer Solstice. My usual question to you all is at the end of this.

What Litha came from?:
The word Litha comes from the ancient Germanic word for summer but the tradition of celebrating it is probably one of the oldest; we have only to look at Stonehenge to see that. On the wheel of the year Litha is directly across from Yuletide and it symbolizes the to the darkness of winter, marking the start of the wanning year.

This festival has been known by many names other then Litha; ‘Feill-Sheathain’ in Wales, Midsommer is Sweden, Vestalia in the Roman empire. The word solstice comes from the Latin word ‘solstitium’, which translates to ’sun standing still’. People in Sweden considered midsummer to be the greatest festival of the year and the festivities are full of dancing, singing, storytelling, pageantry and feasting. In Ancient Egypt, Midsummer marked the flooding of the Nile, who’s rich mud brought fertility to the lands. Vestalia, which actually falls on June 9th, was a day when the inner sanctum of temple of Vesta (the Roman goddess of the hearth) was revealed and all women could enter to make offerings to the goddess. The Druids would gather mistletoe in the oak groves on this day, because mistletoe without the berries was viewed as an amulet of protection. Amulets which have lost or spent their usefulness were traditionally destroyed on this day as well. Druids nowadays head out to Stonehenge.

Ancient peoples believed that at midsummer plants had miraculous healing powers and therefore they were picked this night. Bonfires were lit to protect against evil spirits which were believed to roam freely because the veil is thin this night. The bonfire ashes were considered to have powerful protection powers and scattering in fields to protect crops till the harvest. Litha is also considered I time of the Fae folk and mischief.

Some traditions see Midsummer as the beginning of the reign of the Holly King as he “conquers” his brother the Oak King bringing the return of darkness. It should be noted the Holly King is of course not evil, nor is his “darkness”. The light of the Oak King represents growth and the dark of the Holly King is rest, both are necessary to replenish the Earth.

Will I celebrate it and what does it mean to me?:
Yes I will be celebrating Litha, I have since I started on this path it has been my favorite of the sabbats, though this will be my first year I am “planning” its celebration. To me, Litha it is a time where the Earth is at her peak (at least in the northern hemisphere) and vibrant with energy. The dragonfly is a very powerful symbol to me as well and I feel it is strongest this time of year. The movement of the Sun through the year is very important to me since I am such a “Nature witch” so the equinoxes and solstices hold special meaning to me.

What I will do for it?:
I have so many traditions I would like to incorporate into this time of the year for Michael and I. If only I had a garden but alas… I will spend time with my plants though. But to give a little overview:

Decor: Our apartment is decorated, especially the area around the altar (see picture) I am burning some frankincense at the moment, my favorite scent, I also love the yellow colour of the melting resin. I wish I had some rose oil, but then I would need a diffuser too (can’t believe I don’t have one anymore…)

Foods: We are having people over on Friday for a small Litha get together and having a communal dinner then. I am making some kind of curry (undecided, ideas?), a nectarine and blackberry tart ans cornbread in the shape of a sun to be dipped in honey (the honey symbolizes the sweetness of life and the season.)

In almost a year (the 23rd of next year) Michael and I will be having our handfasting. I’m so excited!

Will you be doing anything for Litha? For anyone who has been to a group Litha ceremony what kind of workings did you do (needing ideas for that…) Blessed Litha everyone!