Michael and Jaspenelle

Nightmares and Tarot

I had someone mention induction to me this morning and when I was planning on doing that. I lashed out a little, which I feel bad about (I normally have much better control over my emotions.) Seriously though, I am not even to 40 weeks yet, why should I even be wasting time on thoughts of induction. Baring a genuine medical concern I have no intention on being induced, least of all using pitocin.)

Maybe I am edgy because I had a lot of nightmares last night. I think they are due to something in my life that has been unconsciously stressing me becoming a conscious stress (family stuff.) Michael had to wake me several times because my nightmares were manifesting physically. They were mostly of the falling variety or ones where family was angry at me for trivial things (like buttering the wrong side of a grilled cheese sandwich first.) I have always been an active dreamer but I am more of a lucid dreamer so I am not use to the lack of control that comes with nightmares.

I drew my tarot this morning to help ground me. I don’t believe tarot (or any form of divination) foretells the future in the traditional way. I think that the cards drawn in a reading are an aid to access the subconscious mind and release certain patterns within it for the scrutiny of the conscious mind. Each tarot card has a different meaning and these meanings help raise questions that can help us work through different situations life throws our way.

I drew three cards (I use the Celtic Dragon Tarot for anyone who is curious.)

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Hanged Man

I feel that this card represents me at the moment. I am searching for answers by journeying within myself, I will not find the answers to these questions in anyone but myself. There are simple answers all around me, but in this case I do not feel they are best as they are quick fixes.

I am someone who needs to be in control of myself and the situations that confront me, when I am not fear and indecision can undermine my efforts. The Hanged Man reminds me that sometimes we need to relinquish the desire for control and that it is only then where stagnating matters will begin to more forward again. For me, it is a difficult battle, a battle of wills against my greatest opponent, myself.

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Two of Swords

In the tarot, twos are associated with the High Priestess (a card found in the Major Arcana of the tarot) and because of this are linked to duality and instinctual knowledge. The two of swords, more specifically is used to represent tension and indecision, usually in the form of a stalemate that must be resolved by pulling down barriers piece by piece.

In my current situation this card reminds me of two important family factors in my life and my need to find some kind of balance between them, even if the answers are not as concrete as I normally would like.

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The Moon
The Moon is the card of dreams and intuition as well as the card of illusion and deception. In the moonlight everything looks different and it can be difficult to tell what is real and what is just a manifestation of your fears.

Intuition is difficult for me. I like control and facts and intuition often seems to fly in the face of that. That said I am an intuitive person but plagued by the usual self-doubt that one normally confronts when dealing with it. The Moon lights a more subtle path, one that is traveled alone but that blinds my normal sense forcing me to rely on my inner voice and instinct rather then outside influences.

This has always been one of the more difficult cards for me to interpret as it requires me to dive deeper into my subconscious and the heart of a problem then I am normally comfortable doing. Sometimes it is easier (though only in the short term) to feel like the victim then to take on the role of the rescuer. Taking the initiative, no matter how hard, yields the longterm results that I desire though.

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I don’t expect any of this to make much sense to anyone but myself, but I’m okay with that. As the cards suggest and I intuitively know, this is a journey that can only lead within myself.

The cherry on my cowpie…

With my luck today I am afraid to even boil water, the kettle will probably explode. If I go outside I bet a monkey will attack me!

Seriously, what is up with today? Nothing has gone right. I slept like crap last night and when I did doze off I had delirious nightmares and this sciatic thing is hanging on like a tick and I have the worse case of heartburn ever and my customers were horrible and some random guy tried to touch my stomach (my oversized work coat no longer seems to hide the baby belly or the guy had creepy pregnant homing instincts.)

But the cherry on all this is when I went to get an extra key cut for the mail box today I realized that I had lost my bank card.

Oh joy, I loved facing phone tree hell to get that canceled.

Meh.

Townhouse Homestead?

We rent a two bedroom townhouse here in Spokane, it is our little home, but could it ever be a homestead? Maybe not, but I am rather determined to get it as close to that as possible.

From Wikipedia: “Currently the term homesteading applies to anyone who is a part of the back-to-the-land movement and who chooses to live a sustainable, self-sufficient lifestyle.

I know I could only dream of growing enough food to feed my family on my little 17×8 shaded patio (the soil part of it is only 6×7 feet and it is mainly hard clay.) But I also know there there are things I can do that will move me as close to the homesteading dream as possible. I know we will not live here forever. Currently my goal is to own 5 acres 10 years from now, but between now and then, I want to live my life in a way that keeps me as close to the Earth as possible. And cheaply! I truly believe that we can live a green live without using tons of green!

I have a lot of doubt of course, I have a lot of personal negativity that has to be dealt with while I move along this path. I admit I am a total city girl. I was raised in very big cities, Spokane is the smallest place I have ever lived with half a million people. My parents did have houses and we always had gardens but I really do not know the first thing about farming. How do you irrigate a garden large enough to feed a family? How do you retrofit a house with solar panels? How do you set up a chicken coop? Do chickens attack you when you gather their eggs? Heck, I’ve never even changed a diaper you know? Most city girls know even that, and here I am wanting to use cloth diapers on my baby.

Still I am trying very hard to stay positive so that the daunting feelings of “not knowing” fail to discourage me. Most of my dreams are healthily sprinkled with idealism and well as being long term. They will require their large share of dedication and back breaking work. I do know with all certainly that I can learn and that I am driven to learn. I know I am intelligent and creative and I can achieve this if I really want it.

But back to the townhouse homestead, I figure if I start small I can grow from there and see how far it takes me. We have done all the usual “green” stuff already with changing to compact fluorescent light bulbs, recycling, buying used whenever, buying local whenever I can. I try to plan meals around what is in season (which is also cheaper.) I try to make as much stuff from scratch as I can. This morning I am going to be making chicken stock. I know some people don’t go this far even, but I find a huge personal reward is knowing that I have made something that is as close to the Earth as possible with my current means.

Still, I feel I could do more, my goals are small for this year, they have to stay in our budget (we have no debt and I want to keep it that way) and they must work around all the learning which comes with having your first baby. These are the things I can to do this year, (I plan on documenting all them, maybe they will eventually help someone with dreams similar to mine):

1. Vermicomposting: In the next month, I will be setting up an indoor worm bin, I have everything I need for it except a pound of red wigglers (worms) which I am waiting to here back about from a couple sources. Vermicomposting is basically using worms to quicken the composting process. It is an efficient way to get ride of my organic kitchen waste with no smell and I can use the worm castings (poo) to enrich the soil for my plants.

2. Herb Garden: I want to grow all the herbs I currently buy prepackaged in the store. I plan on growing them in containers (so that I can bring them in come winter time.) I am going to start with the ones I purchase most frequently; basil, cilantro, rosemary, mint, oregano, thyme. I eventually want to pick up more but I think these are the best ones for me to start with. I will probably buy starter plants as I do not have the room the start things from seed.

3. Vegetable Garden: This year I will probably only grow tomatoes and perhaps strawberries, again from starter plants and in containers. Personal rant on GM foods aside, I would like heirloom if possible. I am choosing to do these in containers as my patio soil it is very poor and needs lots of work to make it better. (I may plant Purple Prairie Clover in the soil as it grows well in poor soil and fixes nitrogen in the soil.) If these do well on my patio then next year I may expand to more types of vegetables.

My biggest current delema with tomatoes in determinate and indeterminate, basically ones that grow to a fixed size a stop or ones that vine and keep growing. Determinate seems best for container gardening, however all their fruit ripens at once, where as indeterminate ones have bare fruit all season long.

4. Baby: Our biggest change this year will be the baby, as any new parents wants, I hope to do everything right but mistakes as also part of the learning process. I want to breastfeed, use cloth diapers, make my own baby food (when that stage comes.) I want the baby to grow up knowing how important taking care of the Earth is and be surrounded by it’s beauty.

Maybe that is the main reason I am making this whole green push, I have been gradually doing it over time, but I feel I need to set a good example for Michael and my child. I know that starts with me being dedicated to the things I love. Whatever direction these goals end up going, I am sure they will all lead to a very interesting year though!

Snake Dreams - interpreted

This is my interpretation of my two recent snake dreams:
(Raveness I replied to your comment in that entry.)

The first dream:
I feel this dream is mainly my subconscious telling me that I am not seeing an illusion that is in front of me and I need to get some glasses on. I think this because the snakes in the dream were similar but one was poisonous and one was not. (I think the snakes were a coral snake and a milk snake.)

The second dream:
I am not too sure about this one actually. The World Tree is an important symbol to me, without getting too deeply into it, I feel my path leads both to and from it (in a metaphorical sense of course.) The current “path” that I am on is reaching childbirth and embracing this life phase. The snake may be my primary guide for these coming months.

The boomslang is poisonous and may represent two things. It may be my protective nature towards my baby, but that I must be careful not to lash out unless I am threatened. It may also be related to the boomslang’s specific type of venom, which is hemotoxic, (this means it attacks your red blood cells.) It could be a reminder that everything I put into my body (represent by the snake passing through my chakras) reaches my baby.

I have a feeling this dream will become clearer over time.

Snake Dreams

(I drew this last February, I was originally going to henna it on the head of my dream but I found out my drum is treated, so it won’t take the henna. I need an untreated drum…)

I do not know when I saw my first snake but since I can remember I visualized snakes when I was scared. Because of this I see them as a protective power animal. When I was upset the image of myself covered in snakes would come to mind, they would all be hissing at whatever bothered me. Oddly it was not until recently that I had too much of an interest in the different species of snakes, maybe because I was always covered in a variety of snakes until the past year or so.

I had two snake dreams last night:

I was trying to find my glasses [this happens occasionally in my dreams] and instead I found two snakes. One was red and black banded (kind of like this one - thanks for the picture Kyrss!) and the other was black and red with a yellow band between the stripes (Kyrss said it might be a coral snake?) I was surrounded by mirrors in this dream.

I didn’t get much of a closer look as I couldn’t find my glasses and the dream began to fade.

The next dream actually happened while I napped this morning:

I was standing under the World Tree and there was a large snake hanging from one of its branches. I had my glasses in this dream I guess and I saw the snake quite well as I was only standing a couple feet from it.

[It was greenish/brown, more green then brown, with egg shaped yellow eyes and round pupils. It's scales were quite well defined because each one seemed to have black line around the edge. It was moderately skinny snake that was maybe 4 feet long. I am thinking it might be a boomslang?]

The tree was beautiful, it had branches that were in all seasons and I could hear the calls of various animals in its branches. Both the sun and the moon were high above, stars were out in one portion of the sky. I recognized one of my guides, a white raven on a branch near by as well as a green mamba. They did not seem to notice me in the dream though, so I returned focus to the first snake. He did not speak to me in the dream but I felt at peace with him near. I also got a strong mental image of a snake being my backbone and the pathway between my chakras.

The snake is one of my favorite aspects of symbolism. I wrote about it in my diary awhile ago:

In ever culture you will find legends of the serpent. It is a creature who cannot leave the ground, therefor tied to base desires and material matters. But it is also a creature about to shed its own skin and because of this, it is a powerful symbol of resurrection, rebirth and self-awakening. These two factors give the snake its dual nature, linking it both to the Heavens and the Earth.

Since becoming pregnant I have found myself more drawn to the snake as my totem. In my dreams she often appears as the blue eyes bringer of wisdom, as well as a birther of creation and manifestation. In a lot of ways her dyadic nature is reflected in another of my totems, the white raven. I wonder if there are any ties between the vulture and the snake? Weren’t they both on the Pharaoh’s crown?

In the past year I have noticed three reoccurring snakes in my meditations and dreams. The first is the green mamba, the second is a black and white sea krait. Both these always have blue eyes, though in the physical world there eyes are different. The third snake, and most recent is this black/yellow/red snake or red/black, which has only appeared fleetingly since I have become pregnant.

Any thoughts on possible meaning of either of these dreams? I have my own thoughts but I would like to hear yours first.

Condor Dream

(Click drawing for a larger image.)

Do you remember that dream I had awhile back with the condor and vulture woman? Rah Bop drew a picture of that aspect of it and sent it to me for Christmas! I got it in the mail a few days ago and totally adore it!

I will do a Christmas recap post later but right now I really need a nap…

That which is sacred.

This poem is based on a dream I had a few nights ago.

(Image from Space.com.)

Mother, I feel your light.
I am a moth, drawn towards it’s glow.
Burned to ash, I am swept away,
      so that my spirit may return.

Mother, I embrace you.
I lay resting in your crypt, your womb.
This body I give back for you to reuse,
      so that my spirit may return.

Mother, I drink from you.
In the chalice of eternity, I drown.
Deep within your waters a rhythm begins,
      so that my spirit may return.

Mother, I breathe you in.
The ecstasy of life fills my lungs.
Holy wings beat strong, bearing me forth,
      so that my spirit may return.

Mother, I am your light.
By Fire, Earth, Water and Wind, I live.
I am a sacred drop in the forces of All,
      my spirit has returned.

(There was a Delicate Cycnia Moth present in my dream.)

Vulture Dream

I seem to be breaking my habit as of late of no talking about my dreams. I have always had quite vivid dreams and I have a rather keen memory of them, I even remember one I had when I was as young as five. A lot of people say they are simply pregnancy dreams, and I know a lot of them are about my pregnancy but they are just as vivid as before. Maybe it is the pregnancy that is making me want to share them though! Still, I am coming to like outside perspectives on my dreams. I do not know why I am so nervous about sharing my dreams, maybe because I do not know anyone who dreams as vividly as I do, or maybe it is because they all just feel so personal.

So anyhow, I had this dream last night:

I am walking among ancient overgrown ruins, the sun dimly lights them. I can feel the sacredness of the place resonating deep in my bones and I walk in almost total silence. I find myself standing before a wall of rubble, in the middle of it is a stone doorway, the door has long rotted away. The wall and doorway is covered in soft moss with thousands of vivid tiny red flowers. I heard a hissing sound and look through the doorway, there is a huge vulture standing there. It spreads its wings and hissed again, I feel drawn forward, as if the vulture was beaconing me to enter.

I want to explain this bird as well as I can, if anyone recognizes it as a particular species I would love to know. Maybe it has some kind of indigenous significance. Of course maybe the bird is a creation of my dream mind too.

I am pretty sure it was a vulture as it had a bald pink/yellow head and neck. There was a ruffle of feathers at the base of its neck, initially all the feathers I could see were silky black. The black feathers made me notice its feet in particular as they were really light gray and quite contrasting to it’s feathers. It’s feet were not webbed and had long talons. When the bird spread its wings to beacon me forward there was a large white stripe on the underside of each of them, its wingspan was enormous, much wider then the door, I bet they were 9 or 10 feet from wingtip to wingtip (the dream may have over exaggerated this.) The bird had a bald skin “pouch” on its chest too. The only sounds it made in the dream was a kind of hissing sound, which was unnerving at first but became kind of comforting.

I reach the threshold of the door and the vulture turns and walk/hopped forward. Beyond it I see a pool of water. The water is an opaque green and seems to swirl around as if it has a mind of its now. I know that it is a bottomless sacred well. The vulture stops by the side of the water. I approach.

When I reach the edge of the pool I sit cross legged beside of it and instinctively run my fingers lightly over its surface. A gray mist rises from the water and takes the form of two women. They step from the mist to the ground beside me, the vulture bows with his wings half open and I rise to my feet. I feel a little surprised/frightened. One of the woman is old, not hunched and crippled, but ancient tall and proud. She is a wise crone. The other woman is a chimera, she has the body of a woman and head of a vulture with huge black eyes. She had a silky white feather ruffle at the base of her next and some down her arms. She was wearing a golden necklace with this symbol on it (sorry for it’s roughness, I made it quickly in Gimp.) The vulture stands beside the vulture woman and she rests her hand on it’s head.

The vulture woman reaches out and touches me between the eyes and the crone says something. I find myself in the desert, I am flying as a crow. I look down and see a dead woman, vultures are eating her body. The vulture from the ruins flies past me and lands near the body (he is much larger then the other carrion eaters) the other vultures scatter and maintain a respectful distance while he eats. The vulture eats the body’s heart and womb and takes flight, I follow him as he returns to the ruins. It is now night.

The vulture throws up a dimly glowing orb at the feet of the vulture woman and returns to her side. The vulture woman picks up the orb reverently and gives it to the crone. The crone looks at me and begins to speak something along the lines of:

“I am the bearer of the flames, I give light to their darkness. I guide them as they go to the source and return. I am the keeper of this Mystery, this process that the Infinite cannot touch.”

As she speaks the orb rises into the sky and becomes one with the light of the moon and starlight, the moon is wanning. As she continues to speak the moon passes from wanning, to new, to waxing. As the moon waxes a new brightly shining orb returns from the sky, it is as bright as a star. As the moon reaches full the orb comes to rest in the crone’s hands.

“We are all of the source, we are one and many, we are connected and the connection. I am one aspect of Creation, that of wilderness and woman. I am the tomb and womb, I am the midwife of life and death, I am healer and nurturer, as are you. The threshold is a sacred point of life.”

As this point she hands me the orb and I feel it enter my body. I know that my baby had just received it’s soul. I feel the vulture’s head under my hand and I look down, its is comforting.

And that was the dream. Woke up with a massive migraine, gotta love that.

In other news I think when I find the money I am going to buy a blank scrapbook so I can document my pregnancy. Maybe I will turn it into our newborn scrapbook too. I keep reading I should get an acid free one. I am hoping they say that on the packaging in Joanns…

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EDIT:

(Photo from Wikipedia.)
I am nearly certain the bird in the dream is a California Condor (Thank you so much for the id Atara!)

Neat little youtube video about them. I like the shot of the three sunning their wings.

The California Condor is an 11,000 year old species of vulture that currently only lives in the western coastal mountains of the United States. The California Condor are the only surviving member of it’s genus (Gymnogyps) and is critically endangered. This vulture has the largest wingspan of any bird found in North America (10 feet!) and is one of the heaviest. They are one of the world’s longest-living birds, with lifespans of up to 50 years. I found this picture of the size comparison between a condor and a 6-foot man:

Holy crap that’s big!

Condors were poaching and poisoned nearly to extinction, until the United States government capture of all the remaining wild condors in 1987 - only 22 birds! In 1991 they were reintroduced into the wild. As of November 2007 there are 302 individuals living, 155 of them in the wild. You know I didn’t use to be so fond of vultures but mu opinion is changing a bit, these guys are quite majestic. I wish I could fly at 15,000 feet for 150 miles for a day…

Condors were considered sacred to some Native American tribes and capable of providing communication with the supernatural world. The Chumash tribe believes that if the condors become completely extinct, so will the tribe. Some people also believe that the Thunderbird is actually the condor.

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EDIT #2:

Ok, more commenter thanks going out - thank you Jett! He suggesting the Egyptian link of the circular symbol in the dream.

I looked into it and found this site. Apparently the symbol is called a Shen Ring, it was “a stylized loop of rope with each end visible” and commonly seen as a symbol of eternity.

Not only that but it was carried by the Egyptian goddess Nekhbet, a vulture goddess who was the patron of Upper Egypt as well as the guardian of mothers and children.

Chinese Dreams

I had this odd dream last night that I was a women in ancient China and in love with a poor ninja (or an outcast of some type, I’ll just call him a ninja to simplify things.) However in the dream I was promised to a powerful Samurai, who seemed to obsess over me quite a lot.

The dream was strange because I wasn’t just the woman in the dream, I jumped from character mind to character mind, so I got to see how everyone though, thought I could only control the woman’s actions.

I don’t know what might have provoked the dream, I haven’t watched anything oriental in several months, I avoid anime and I do not know much about oriental culture. (Ie: I doubt this dream is historically accurate in any way of course.) The dream went something like this:

I (as the woman) was sneaking to a rooftop to be with my ninja. I had been up there many times with him before and he was kind and respectful. I knew him somehow from the markets. He was teaching me some fighting styles that were forbidden for women to learn. Mostly with a 6 foot wooden staff and a wooden sword. In this dream we used real swords. I remember the sword in particular because it was not very long and straight. It was only sharp on one side and came to a slanted point.

At this point my consciousness jumped to the ninja’s mind. He was thinking about how gracefully I moved and how beautiful I was. He was wondering how long our forbidden relationship would last before I was married off to this samurai (whom he had quite dark thoughts about.)

I jumped back to the woman’s mind and my ninja and I sat down near the edge of the roof. My ninja told me he loved me and we kissed for the first time. Then rather suddenly there was a whole bunch of armed people on the roof and my ninja was trying to get me to run with him. I was conflicted and froze.

Time moved forward a bit and it was my wedding day, my family had found out I was sneaking out to see another man and I was basically a prisoner. I saw my father briefly, I think he was a samurai too. I had not seen or heard from my ninja in a many days. The samurai I was to marry came to see me and told me I would come to love him as he loved me and that I was to be a respectful and obedient wife. I did not say anything, but that may have been because I was in the samurai’s mind at that point and saw the lust with which he looked at me with and the jealousy he directed at my ninja. Distantly the female me in the dream felt ashamed for loving the ninja because it would bring shame to my family.

The samurai and the servants left and I was alone. I was wearing this rather spectacular red silk dress thing, it had some kind of white birds embroidered on it, (herons maybe?) Time passed as I drifted in and out of many thoughts. I also go annoyed at my hair at one point and pulled it out of its bun (wow my hair was long, hehe.)

I heard a chuckle and spun around. My ninja was standing in the corner of the room smiling at me. He mocked me a little, I could tell he was hurt because I had not gone with him on the roof. At that moment my feelings of love for him overshadowed any feelings of shame for my family and I crossed the room quickly and we embraced.

– At this point I woke up for awhile and thought about the dreams. Then I dozed off again and the dream continued.

My ninja and I were crossing roofs away from my family’s home. I was still in the red kimono but I had a white mask on now (maybe it was just lots of make up… it felt like a mask though.) We arrived at the ninja’s home. He lived with other ninjas, both male and female. They welcomed me with open arms; except one older one who thought my ninja was being rash. Still he accepted it and they all sat down and started making plans to leave the city.

There was banging at the door and my name and that of the samurai’s was shouted thought the door. All the ninjas seemed to melt into the walls except mine. He opened the door and my husband-to-be was standing at the door, quite angry. He tried to run my ninja through with a sword (his sword was slightly curved and long then the one I had practiced with.) I cried out “No!” and told him if he didn’t hurt my ninja I would go with him. And I did went with him.

The samurai took me somewhere and raped me. For that portion of a dream it was all just kind of an out of body experience. He then threw me in a room or cave or dungeon for being disrespectful to him and my family and locked me up.

My mind wandered again and it jumped to my ninja’s mind, he was with two other ninjas (a woman and the old male ninja.) They were all outside of where I was being kept. The ninjas heard some guards talking about my rape. My ninja killed them both in rage but deep in his mind he did not think disgust towards me, just hate towards the samurai for hurting me. Against the old ninja’s advice he went to find the samurai and they begin to duel on a roof (what is it with my subconscious and rooftops?)

– Again I woke up and reflected on the dream. I fell asleep again and it continued.

I was running out of the dungeon with the female ninja and we got separated. I found my ninja fighting the samurai, my ninja was not using a sword though, he had a pole with a knife on the end, something like that. I picked pulled up the bamboo staff my ninja had dropped and ran the samurai through the heart (ouch!)

As the samurai died I was in his mind, my ninja’s mind and my own mind. It is a bit too complex to explain all the emotions that were going on but the female me slipped into shock and maybe passed out? Because everything went black.

When I opened my eyes again my ninja was laying me beside a glassy lake in a forest. We were in a forested mountain valley near a monastery. I finally got to change out of that red kimono which I had come to hate. Some monks gave me some brown peasant clothes. I felt really happy and without stress for the first time in the dream. My ninja and I went swimming.

– Then the alarm clock went off. I felt Michael beside me and realized he was my ninja (ya for mushy waking thoughts.) Not to sure who the samurai personifies though.

Manitous Revealed

So I figured out what the title of that book from my dream yesterday is. Actually it is pretty amusing (to me at least.)

The book is called The Manitous: The Spiritual World of the Ojibway by Basil Johnson. Funny because the dream started by me not being able to find basil (the plant) in the grocery store. Dreams have odd ways of dropping subconscious hints! I remember the book have a different cover, which I found on the publisher’s site, so I know it is the same one.

So next time I have the money I will buy this and try to figure out if my subconscious is trying to tell me something. If not, at least it looks like a really interesting book!

I had more dreams last night - it is common for me to have the many dreams for anyone who may be wondering, I have just recently decided to start share them. Not sharing the ones from last night though, they were mostly just anxiety dreams about the upcoming move. The usual, I am unloading moving boxes only to discover I packed all my clothes and am naked.

*** Note to Self #5: Leave out old jeans and t-shirt for self on moving day. Birthday suits are considered indecent exposure. ***

Now to go make some blueberry pie…