Michael and Jaspenelle

A Year of Bed-Sharing

(Can you believe Damian was two months old here? Look at those squishy cheeks, that is enough to melt this mommy’s heart.)

Our choice to bed-share with Damian is probably the parenting practice I talk the least about. I have always felt that more families in this country bed-share then statics illustrate (even if they didn’t set out to do so,) especially when the mother breastfeeds, but that the societal taboo regarding it keeps them all but silent too.

Bed-sharing (also called the family bed or co-sleeping) is a practice in which children sleep with one or both parents, as opposed to being in a crib. According to wikipedia, it has been widely practiced historically and is still standard practice in many parts of the world, and is practiced by a significant minority in countries where infant beds are also used.

Why did we chose to bed-share? The reason at the very top of that list would be breastfeeding. Damian falls asleep at the breast and is difficult to move, when I lay down to feed him, I often fall asleep too. Seems like a match made in heaven doesn’t it? It became so natural to breastfeed at night that Damian quit waking up to find a breast, which was really nice (not having to sooth a baby back to sleep.)

The number one question I am asked regarding bed-sharing is if I have ever worried about crushing/suffocating/otherwise maiming Damian in my sleep. The first night we brought him home I did, but I haven’t since. Honestly, there has never been a time when something even scared me about Damian laying between Michael and I. Normally Damian and I sleep on our sides, facing each other. His head rests on my elbow so that my arm very naturally wraps around cradles him in his sleep. When I roll over (if he needs to switch sides to eat) I hold him lightly to my chest and the transition is easy, not even waking him up. If his breathing changes at night or he fusses even a tiny amount for any reason I instantly wake up. I don’t think any of those indicates I am a light sleeper or hypersensitive, they are just instincts I naturally have as a mother. I don’t worry about Michael either, he has the his own protective Daddy instincts.

It is important that bed-sharing bed done properly though. I say properly because people often tell me bed-sharing horror stories when they find out we do about the death of a child because of bed-sharing. Not surprisingly these stories seem to always involve a parenting on drugs or who is drunk or one who has health problem (sleep apnea for example.) Getting drunk or high and passing out on your baby is not bed-sharing, it is child abuse.

I am also asked if I worry about him being co-dependent. While my proof is anecdotal, Damian is a very independent one-year-old, so I really have no worries. There is some research that has been done that seems to show there are actually quite a few benefits to bed-sharing. Since I am not here to talk to into doing it, I’ll just link anyone interested to an article about bed-sharing and the research that has been done.

People also ask me if Michael and my intimacy took a hit since we bed-share. (Dad, skip this paragraph unless you want to be mentally scarred again.) Yes, it took some adjustment. Yes, we have sex less. But people, you can have sex in other places then a bed and just because you bed-share does not mean a baby cannot be laid down elsewhere for a short nap. So yes, sex takes more planning, but I am pregnant again so obviously something happened. I hear couples who use cribs talk about a decline in sexual activity too, so I don’t think it is really as big an issue as it seems. Where there is a will, there is a way, right?

How long will we bed-share? Michael and I actually bought Damian a toddler bed four days ago. We knew that we did not want to move him to a crib, so Michael and I decided to waited until Damian was completely competent at getting in and out of our bed (which he has been for about a month.) We didn’t want to rush him into his own room, so his new bed is currently between the wall and my side of the bed (see thumbnail, his Grandma Stewart made that quilt by the way!) Damian has been taking his nap in it and I lay him down after his night feeding for bed time. He doesn’t stay in it all night yet, and I am not forcing him to, but every night he stays in it a little bit longer. (I am a big fan of gradual transitions.) If I was not pregnant, I would probably let him bed-share longer, but I want him to be well adjusted to sleeping on his own well before the new baby arrives so that the does not feel that he is being evicted and replaced.

I want to re-emphasize, bed-sharing is definitely not for everyone. Just like our other parenting decisions, the key to making bed-sharing work is that Michael and I decided on it together while looking at the needs of our child. Both of us like bed-sharing and neither of us get high, drunk or have medical conditions that impact our sleeping habits. Ultimately we made a choice that we felt was the healthiest for Damian and in the end that is all that matters to us.

A Year of Breastfeeding

In the run up to Damian’s first birthday this Saturday I figured I would write a few articles on my thoughts on the various choices I have made and what, if anything, I would change.

Initially, breastfeeding was a lot more difficult then I thought it would be. I have flat nipples for starters, which while not detrimental to the newborn, is a little confusing when they first seek nourishment with the instinct to find something that sticks out, only to find a completely smooth breast.

For the first couple days I tried nipple shields, which basically are fake nipple that goes over top of your real ones to give the baby a target to suck on. They also pull your own nipple out, the way it is suppose to be (which, when done enough times, they start to stay that way.) I can honestly say that nipple shields were the second most painful event in the nursing experience. Can you say blood blisters? One afternoon I just threw them out and gave Damian a shot at the breast straight up. After some momentary frustration, he figured it out. Thank the goddess! He quickly adapted the the unusual nipple shape and after a few weeks my nipples pretty much looked like any other woman’s anyways.

Then it was all good! Or not.

When I gave birth I had a yeast infection, not the end of the world right? I am prone to them and beyond my usual struggles with my vaginal flora I didn’t think too much of it. Apparently though, when you push a baby out that particular opening, the yeast catch a ride sometimes. After a few weeks of doing whatever evil little yeasts do, they turn into this thing called Thrush, basically a yeast infection in the baby’s mouth. It looks like some has coated then inside of your baby’s mouth with cottage cheese and it won’t rub off. As awful as that sounds it is not the end of the world, it isn’t really even for the baby most of the time, Damian didn’t seem to be bothered buy it. The bad thing about thrush and breastfeeding is that the baby can pass it back to you and then you get a yeast infection in your breasts. This is what makes blood blisters from nipple shields seem like a walk in the park. This was the most painful thing that happened while breastfeeding. It was as through my breasts were on fire and I would just cry (which is not something I do often, no matter the pain.) I almost gave in at this point.

I didn’t though and we treated it, not with the usual antifungal medication though, which we chose a more naturopathic method and just made a poor environment for thrush to thrive. The yeast that gives you an infection thrives on three things dark, damn and sugar. So I stopped eating so much fruit for a few days (I adore grapes,) let the girls air out by a sunny window for awhile and applied a very weak boric acid solution to my nipples and Damian’s mouth before and after every feeding. I also started probiotics. The thrush starting going away the first day we started treatment (ahhhh) and we stopped treatment after two weeks. Haven’t had a problem since.

Of course there have been other problems, but all relatively minor in comparison. My nipples dried out from all that constant attention from Damian and were sore and cracked, but Lanolin came to my rescue, which is a bi-product of wool. Seriously, if you intend on breastfeeding any buy nothing else to help you, buy Lanolin. I now consider the sheep a sacred animal for this beautiful product they provide, hehe! After a couple months my nipples were well trained warriors and I didn’t need it anymore.

The only other item I would recommend to a stay-at-home mother, that I have used, is a really comfortable nursing bras for sleeping (I use the Medela Comfort Nursing Bra) and nursing tank tops (I love the Gilligan & O’Malley Nursing Tank Top.) Remember, the girls will grow. Exponentially. I was a 38 B when I conceived and when my milk came in, I was a 40 DD. That is an extra large Medela bra and a L Gilligan tank top. I would recommend a cheap bra till your breasts figure out where they want to be. I bought mine after a week, and NO UNDERWIRE at first, that would be the shortcut to clogging a duct, ow. I wear my tank tops every day and I find the built in bra gives me enough support but you can double it up with another nursing bra. Just remember that breastmilk stains yellow and that cloth breastpads, never used disposables, can show through lighter colored tanks (so I pretty much only use my white one for layering under another shirt.) Why do I love nursing tank tops so much because when you breastfeed in the winter it is nice to have your midsection protected from the elements and in the summer it is nice to just be able to wear one layer to stay cool. If modesty is important to you, they have that going for them too.

What else… Bitting, everyone always asks me about bitting. Or they say, “if my child bit me I would stop breastfeeding that day!” Yes, Damian bit, but the warrior nipples endured. Every time he bit I would unlatch him and give him a teething ring. He learned really quickly that bitting meant no milk and in his world, no milk is bad! Consistency was the key there and when he did bite I always did the same thing and told myself that teething is hard on him too. My own wisdom teeth were breaking through at the time so I could almost relate, I joked about sharing the teething ring with Damian.

Would I change anything next time? Some people ask me if I would ever supplement with formula. Never. Some people ask me if I would schedule feedings. Also never. Both impact your supply, when you supplement with formula your breasts don’t know how much to make and decrease production, when you schedule it has the same effect and besides, young babies do not understand timetables, they only understand their need. It is your duty as a parent to fulfill that need until they are old enough to understand otherwise.

I would change one thing though. Next time I will buy a manual breastpump. Since I am a stay-at-home mother there is pretty much no point for me to invest in some hemi-powered roaring double breasted super soaker milking machine (that might be an over-exaggeration) since I will be feeding at the breast 99% of the time since that is still better then expressed milk in a bottle (and seriously washing bottles sucks, pardon the pun.) It would be nice though, after the nipple confusion stage has passed to sleep in occasionally and have Daddy do a bottle, or when the baby is older, to have a friend stay with him or her for a couple hours while Michael and I go out, secure in the fact I have left my precious one with the very best food possible.

Ultimately when breastfeeding I think the most important thing to remember is that laughter is vital. Things will happen that will be embarrassing. If you use a cover (Damian never would) your baby will pull it off him or herself, unlatching at the same time exposing you for the whole mall to see. Before your breasts have the whole production and flow thing under control you will forget your breastpads, even if only for a minute, and leak through onto your favorite shirt. Someone will try to give you advice when you nurse in public (and it is such a pain to make them go away.) As your child gets more grabby he will try to pull off your nursing bra when hungry in the most public situation possible. It’s okay though, just laugh, you are a new mom and anyone who does not understand is really not worth your time are they? Especially since time is now at a premium. Besides, when you are feeding your beautiful baby in a way that only your body can, and you get that huge rush of happy bonding hormones, and he looks up and you with the most gorgeous eyes in the world, you will know it is worth it.

T-15 Days

15 days till my baby turns one! Can I cry now? He is growing up so incredibly fast. Running around, babbling, eating solids, reintroducing me to my inner child. Who knew a little one could be so insightful? I’ll save the deep introspection for his birthday post though. June 6th, oh my goddess has it really been almost a year? I feel Damian has been in my life for the blink of an eye and forever at the same time.

Naturally we are having a birthday party. It is proving a little more stressful then I anticipated. We have requested, as always, no plastic toys. Yes, Damian does have a select few plastic outdoor toys, but just because he has those is not a green light for him to have a ton more. He doesn’t need millions of toys to start with. I have had three people ask me why wood (or other natural materials) over plastic, and I do not mind explaining that. What I do mind is the one who suggest that I was being stupid by putting rules like that on gifts. Well, I’m sorry if it inconveniences you that I feel the need to protect my child’s developing brain and body from harmful chemicals; cadmium (a carcinogenic pigments used in some plastic and paint) and polyvinyl chloride (found in vinyl and pvc and linked to birth defects as well as other things) come to mind. Not the mention plastic toys will pretty much never ever decay, which is kind of funny because they are the first ones to break. And it is not like that are hard to find, Amazon, Babies”R”Us and even Walmart carry a selection of toys made of natural material which are really no more expensive then a sturdy plastic toy.

Hmmm, I didn’t mean to rant. I do understand I cannot protect Damian from ever hazard life throws his way. Nor, I suppose, should I, but I can protect him from what I consider basic dangers and I do not see why that is so hard for some people to respect. Just like people who are suggesting I wean him now. Without going into the proven benefits of extended breastfeeding that is absolutely none of their business anyways.

Gah, okay, no more ranty bitchiness. Moving on…

As long as the weather holds true we will be having a barbeque for his birthday, as well as a small blessing ritual and, of course, a cake (I am thinking a whole-wheat applesauce cake since Damian loves that.) We still have to figure out our gift for him too. I think the first birthday is almost more to celebrate that the parents made it through the first year and to thank all those who helped them through it. Almost. Either way it is good practice for when the day when rampaging minion-filled parties arrive isn’t it? (Ack!) It’s all good though, and honestly I am really looking forward to celebrating such a big milestone in Damian’s life.

And the big question of this post, a candle on the cake or not? Damian doesn’t know how to blow out one and will probably grab at it, and yet a candleless cake just seems so very weird. What do you think?

Breastfeeding Stuff

Is this photo obscene to you?

The Washington State Legislature will be voting on HB 1596 and as it has had no opposition thus far I am confident that it will pass. This is a very welcome law in my eyes, though I think it is sad that we need the law to protect a breastfeeding mother from discrimination. This bill is defined as “Protecting a woman’s right to breastfeed in a place of public resort, accommodation, assemblage, or amusement.”

I have read a lot of comments about it recently from perspectives of support to ridicule. A common argument I see is “If a woman can breastfeed in public, I should be able to piss in public.” Are they serious? One is feeding and the other is eliminating. Do these people drink their pee in private?

Some people also apparently think that as soon as this passes, breastfeeding women will just start walking around topless, baby hanging off the nipple like a Christmas ornament. Now that is totally ridiculous. That is certainly not what I intend on doing, nor any of the many mothers I know who breastfeed. I do not know a single breastfeeding mother who “whips them out for all to see” (using terms I have heard or read here) or “strips to the waist” to feed her child. I find the most vocal critics are those who have never breastfed and men who feel that breasts are for them, not babies. Naturally there is always going to be that handful of breastfeeding mothers who are fit the stereotype, but every group has them. They do not define me. (Nor do the mothers who say that they would never breastfeed in public, that is their right. They are not me.)

When I was at the mall last weekend and Damian was hungry, Michael and I found a quiet bench (so that he would not get distracted, which equals bitting!) and I nursed him. I would have done it in the food court had it been comfortable. If he would have been screaming for food, I would have done it where ever I was. What do you prefer, a screaming baby or a quiet one? Beyond that question, ultimately, my son’s wellbeing is more important to be then the sensitives of some stranger. I sure as hell am not going to formula feed him when I am out. Formula is vastly inferior to breastfeeding and feeding at the breast is better still then expressed milk in a bottle. I am going to give my child the very best start that I am capable of giving.

That said, I AM discreet and I feel 99% of breastfeeding mothers are. I breastfed him at the pediatricians a few months ago (I do not use a cover) and the nurse did not even noticed. It was really funny actually, she asked me if I breastfed him and I looked down at him and she said “Oh! I guess you do! I thought you were just holding him!”

Some people might say, why do you need a law if most people barely notices or cares? It is the small very vocal minority of people who do notice that we (breastfeeding mothers) feel we need protecting from. Some of the things they say verge on assault. I cannot count the women (even women who use covers!) I know who have been discouraged from breastfeeding or felt shammed by those people who take issue with breastfeeding in public. What are we suppose to do, stay cloistered until the baby is weened? Might as well take away our right to vote while you are at it! (And yes, I do see it as a women’s rights issue.) I have been verbally assaulted for breastfeeding at a local park (I was virtually alone in the park and being just as discreet as I was at the doctor’s office!)

So yes, I am looking forward to this law passing. Will I start flaunting my breastfeeding in public more? Letting the girls hang out for all to see? Of course not. And I don’t know any breastfeeding mother with those intentions. Will anything about me change? Other then finding comfort in knowing that I have the law fully on my side if I am harassed, no.

Just Stuff

In the past three weeks we have had nearly 60 inches of snow, that makes this the snowiest December on record for Spokane. Up until now it had all been dry snow but yesterday we had over five inches of heavy wet snow, we might have 5 more tonight. Three roofs around town collapsed today. Our roof was creaking on and off too, a little disconcerting, but I think it was just the wind since it has not made some much as a peep today. I called management about it though, not that they are going to do anything, I have been calling them daily about my busted dishwasher and still nothing. In February we are probably going to start to look for a house since our lease is up at the end of March I think. Hopefully all this snow will have given way to Spring by then.

I just realized that it is only 10 more days till my 23rd birthday (January 9th.) I don’t usually think about my birthday that much but for some reason it seems particularly exciting this year. Not that I have anything special planned. Maybe I will make myself a cake.

I have been under the weather for a few days, hopefully that will go away before my day. My back pain went away as mysteriously as it showed up, leaving behind general aches, pains and a scratchy throat. Can’t wait to feel better so I can get back to learning to bellydance. I still have to get out to the store to buy knitting needles so I can start working through my dvd about that. Learning to bellydance and knit are on my dreamboard for projects to accomplish this year.

Damian has been doing well, he decided he wanted solid food instead of one of his nursings today. My little guy is growing up! I have had two or three people ask me when I am going to wean him lately, or suggesting that I do so, which I don’t really get. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends breastfeeding for at least one year and as long as mutually desired by mother and child beyond that and the World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding for at least two years. I think they have more weight in my decision then someone’s uninformed opinion. So no, I am not going to be weaning Damian any time some.

I bought Michael a songbook called Songs for Earthlings and it arrived yesterday. I am really pleased with it. It is 390 pages of Pagan songs and chants for all occasions, including sheet music. There is a section on music theory in it so I am trying to learn to read music with it. I got Michael a keyboard a couple years ago so now he has some stuff to actually play with it. If you are into Pagan music, I really recommend it, it is the only one like it out there I think.

Anyhow I’m going to go sit with Michael while he plays Deep and Fallow.

Feline Friday: Cuddle Time

Damian is on my breastfeeding pillow in my lap here, which is where he likes to nap when I am on the computer. Windigo decided he was all for a quick nap there too, though right after Michael snapped the picture he decided it was a little too crowded for him.

By the way, I am going to start linking most my photos (except for the photoblog) to 1024×768 copies of them for family. Just click the photo for the bigger version.

In the Grass

This weekend my Grandpa Tolman came to visit. Mommy has lots of photos to sort but this is a little video grandpa took of me in Riverfront Park. Mommy and Daddy are talking about ways to keep the girls away from my adorableness as I grow up.

This is World Breastfeeding Week so this Saturday we might go back to the park to support La Leche League International at Kids Day. I want to lay in the grass again, it felt sooo neat!

Breastfeeding Commercial

Photos from Manito

This past Saturday, our photographer friend Andrea did some family photos of us in Manito Park. It was really fun. I really love how the photos turned out, Andrea did an excellent job.

We are hoping to get her to take a set every few months for the first year. We are going to be getting prints of a few of our favorites from this shoot. I can’t wait to see them! (and frame and scrapbook them. I have been working on Damian’s “First Year” scrapbook lately.)

This one of us is one of my favorite of the three of us (we are getting a couple extra prints of it for family too.)

These are a few of the others from that day:

(more…)

Maybe a bit ranty

For those people who read my blog and take issue with me talking about my life with Damian or attached parenting get over it, you choose to read it after all. I won’t be offended if you stop reading, I probably won’t even notice!

I have gotten several comments about commenting on my blog lately. Above the comment box on each post it has always said:

Comments are moderated and may not show up immediately. Please be patient, do not post twice, we will get your comment.

I pinkie swear that I do not purposely moderate anyones comments. Some comments go into the moderation queue for a variety of reasons but mainly because you probably clear your cookies often (I think it also happens when you or change the email address you use when you comment or post lots of links…) If your comment doesn’t show up after you post it, you can be 99.9% sure I got it and just need to approve it, which Michael or I will do when we have a moment to spare (I do delete duplicates though.)

I know I have been talking about breastfeeding a lot lately but it takes up a huge portion of my day. In fact I only have time to blog while I breastfeed. My brother had a good point though that there are other aspects to parenting I could discuss. None of them are as much of a challenge to me (or take as much time) as breastfeeding though. Still I am going to try to take hsi advice, the other stuff might be pretty interesting to some as well. Michael and I practice natural and attached parenting, so I am going to try to start talking about co-sleeping, babywearing, bathing together, cloth diapering, not letting Damian cry it out, natural childbirth and delayed vaccination.

Oh and another thing I do not intend for any of my posts to be an attack on anyone else who has an alternate parenting style to ours. Attached parenting is simply what works best for our situation. Please don’t take my posts as a personal attack on you, I don’t have time to waste attacking individuals. Believe it or not a baby is very time consuming! Hehe.

Anyhow, I will talk about all these things but Damian just dozed off so we are going to nap now… and then continue the search for the missing camera upload cable. I have some cloth diapering photos to post.