“This belly button is 3 generations in the making: my mama gave it to me and my babies decorated it.”

That was enough to make me look at my postpartum body in a completely different light. I am not ugly, I don’t need to hide away until “ideal beauty” is reached again (as if that were even possible, or desirable.) Michael has been telling me daily that I am beautiful, inside and out. He is right, I am beautiful.

Carrying Damian has changed me forever, I am learning to love this change, after all I wouldn’t have him if not for it.

The Shape of a Mother

My belly may or make not shrink. I am at peace with that.
36-inches around and I have never felt more beautiful.
A number cannot define me, I will not give it that power.
Body, mind and soul I am balanced and I am healthy,
– waist size notwithstandingl
This body brought forth life.
What greater beauty is there then that?

I am the vessel from which life poured.
I am a mother.

These stretch marks will always be with me.
Commericals may tell me to laser them off,
– but I love them all.
My son has changed my soul forever, for the better.
My body too is changed forever, for the better.
These marks are my tattoo of motherhood.

I have crossed a threshold.
I am a mother.

My hips are bigger, my old jeans don’t fit.
These hips birthed my son, they are beautiful.

My breasts are bigger, they soak my shirts.
These breasts nourish my son, they are beautiful.

My heart and my soul are bigger, my emotions overflow.
This heart and this soul love my son, they are beautiful.

I am a mother.
I am strong.
I am beautiful.

I am a mother.

~ by Jaspenelle Stewart

I may submit this to The Shape of a Mother, not sure yet. Eitherway, check out the website and all the beautiful mamas who have contributed. I think we can all agree that the mainstream view of beauty has to change, we can begin this change within ourselves and the minds of our children.

This weekend my Grandpa Tolman came to visit. Mommy has lots of photos to sort but this is a little video grandpa took of me in Riverfront Park. Mommy and Daddy are talking about ways to keep the girls away from my adorableness as I grow up.

This is World Breastfeeding Week so this Saturday we might go back to the park to support La Leche League International at Kids Day. I want to lay in the grass again, it felt sooo neat!

To me “God” is simply a universal energy (Great Mystery/Manitou/Qi) that connects us all, from which we create facets that form our individual deities (Yahweh, Aphrodite, Isis, Three Pure Ones, Olorun, Ninhursag etc. Spaghedeity?) to help us better understand our present situation. In that light, I think we are all part of “God”.

Anyhow, about Jesus. To me he was a great spiritual teacher, like Buddha, and when you strip away all the dogma that now surrounds him (and who knows what that was lost in translation) Jesus’s teachings are mostly very basic and immensely powerful concepts.

Jesus taught love. There is no commandment greater than this. He taught this concept through compassion towards others, healing the sick, washing his disciples feet, stopping the stoning of a woman etc. Our actions speak louder the words and compassion is an amazing force I try to live my life by. It is certainly not always easy, especially when it comes to loving your enemy. I try to remember that my enemies can be my greatest teachers though. (This teaching is what drives a huge wedge between me and some Christians who spew hatred towards people who don’t follow their exact flavor of Christianity.)

Jesus taught forgiveness. Beyond requesting forgiveness from God (which I don’t do) Jesus said we must first learn to forgive those who have wronged us, “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.” This is another exercise in compassion, it can be hard to keep forgiving someone, and sometimes we must determine if they are truly sorry for their actions or if it ourself imposing our own beliefs on them. It is hard to be the judge of such things… which leads to the next point.

Jesus taught us not to be hypocrites. We have all done bad things (”sinned” if you prefer) and it is hypocritical to take an eye for an eye. Our love and compassion should be our guide on how we treat others, not man-made rules. I try to always live what I believe, leading by example? Ultimately I believe we win people over by love, not force (which is probably why threats of damnation and hell never work on me.) We should live and love not “for show” but because we truly want to live by that virtue.

Jesus taught prayer. Yes I pray, though I may not call them that and they are also not directed towards any deity. For me a prayer is simply a silent or vocal acknowledgment of gratitude. It is easier to me to remain in a place of wholeness and love if I take time to remember the things I am thankful for. Whether I am saying a blessing over dinner or taking time each day to list things that bring me joy, I see them all as prayers.

Jesus taught generosity. There is one story in the New Testament, where Jesus and his disciples are watching people donate to a temple. An old woman gives a couple coins, which is nothing next to other donations, but it is everything she had. Jesus says she is the most charitable of them all. When you give with love and expect nothing in return you open yourself to receive a multitude of gifts. I know this to be true in my life through experience, when I give, even in difficult times, new and unexpected ways to flourish open to me. Jesus never said that it is bad thing to be wealthy, but it is a bad thing to become blinded by the need for possessions. When you cannot part with your wealth to share even a little compassion, you become a slave to it.

My beliefs are pretty much a mishmash of everything I have read, which is probably why the Pagan path is so appealing to me. We have no doctrine and are free to make our own and adapt it as we learn and grow. My main spiritual focus has always been around being a steward of the Earth, whom I refer to a Mother Earth, and intrinsic part of that is the practice of compassion because if we show compassion for all things it is easier to nurture healing and growth (in my opinion at least.) Jesus’s teachings certainly are filled with compassion, hence they are solidly integrated with my personal beliefs.

I didn’t realize such a diverse crowd read my blog, thanks for all you comments on my last post!

Let me know and leave me a link if you have a blog too! (And am I the only one who uses gravatars?)

Michael, Jaspenelle and Damian in Riverfront Park, Spokane.

(This is a little bit of a deviation from the usual square format I use in my photoblog. My father actually took this photo, but I want to put it in a 5×7 frame I have so I spent some time modifying it in GIMP. I am really pleased with the final product.)

The itsy bitsy baby latched on the boobie spout
Down came the milk and washed the baby out
Sleep hit the baby cus the boob was all drained
Till the itsy bitsy baby latched on the boob again

Annnnyhow.

I get to watch mommy make bread for Lughnasadh from my sling today! I love watching her do everything and I am starting to learn to grab too, sometimes I get frustrated when my body doesn’t work like I want it to.

Mommy says Grandpa Tolman is coming to visit me this weekend so I am going to help her clean the house as well. Does baby drool clean as well as mommy spit? We will find out!

(I wrote about this sabbat last year if you would like to read more about it. I’ve learned more since that article but it is still a good general overview.)

Lughnasadh is going to be quite different for us this year since we now have Damian! His grandpa Tolman will be here to visit. I want to make an effort to celebrate all the sabbats with Damian but this one might wait till next weekend. I like that cross-quarter days are flexible like that! Heck my solstices and equinoxes kind of are too.

This year I am going to share my seasonal feast recipes with you. I haven’t tried to peach one yet so I will have to get back to you about how that ones goes. My recipes are all very loose and leave a lot of room for personal taste. I rarely follow instructions except if I am making bread… even then I tend to switch to whole wheat… Speaking of whole wheat, Lighnasadh does celebrate the grain harvest so how about some bread?

BREAD: Baguette

• 1 tbsp active dry yeast
• 1 teaspoon honey
• 1 1/2 cups warm water
• 2 1/2 teaspoons salt
• 1 cup bread flour
• 3 cups whole wheat flour

- In a large bowl combine honey and warm water, stir in yeast. Let sit for 10 minutes, until foamy.
- Add salt. Add flours 1 cup at a time until dough starts to come together. Turn out onto a floured surface and kneed in the rest of the flour until smooth (about 10 minutes.)
- Place dough in an oiled and turn to coat the surface. Cover and let stand in a warm place until doubled in size, about 1 to 2 hours.
- Punch down and form into long slender loaf (approx 21 inches long and 3 inches wide.) Place diagonally on a lightly greased large baking sheet and let rise uncovered for about 30 minutes.
- Preheat oven to 400 F.
- After loaf has risen make 3-6 diagonal slashes on it with sharp knife and lightly brush top with cool water. Bake for 30 minutes or until golden. Cool on wire rack. (If you can wait long enough for it to cool, warm baguette smothered in fresh butter or preserves, yum!)

APPETIZER: Bruschetta
There is about a dozen different ways to make this, but this is the way I grew up with, more or less. The ingredients are very flexible and can (and should!) be done to taste.

• 6 tomatoes, seeded and diced
• 2 to 4 cloves garlic, minced (I use a garlic press)
• a handful of fresh basil leaves, chopped
• Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
• 1 baguette (homemade)
• Olive oil

- Toss together tomatoes, garlic and basil. Season with salt and pepper. Set aside to allow flavors to meld.
- Slice baguette into 1-inch pieces and toast. Drizzle with olive oil. (Alternately you can cut the garlic cloves in half and rub them against the toast before drizzling.)
- Top with tomato mixture and serve.

MAIN DISH: Grilled Chicken Salad

• 4 grilled chicken breasts, sliced
• Homemade raspberry vinaigrette
• 1 head lettuce, torn up - I like red leaf or romaine
• 2 cups spinach, torn up
• 2 cucumbers, seeded and diced
• 1 cup corn
• 2 or 3 or 4 tomatoes, seeded and diced
• 1 cup mozzarella, cubed or shredded

- Make vinaigrette. Mine uses about 8 tbsp olive oil, 3 tbsp raspberry vinegar, 1 to 2 tbsp local honey, 1 tsp dry mustard, 1 1/2 tsp lemon juice, 2 cloves garlic, salt and pepper. Still all that in a jar and shake. Viola vinaigrette. (I make my own raspberry vinegar but I have seen it in some stores, you could use any fruit vinegar, or apple cider vinegar, or balsamic for that matter.)
- Marinate chicken breasts in some vinaigrette for 30 minutes to and hour. Or you can be inpatient like me and stick some vinaigrette and the chicken in a ziplock and hit with with a rolling pin a few times until it flattens. Force marination.
- Grill chicken and slice. I like it left warm but you could certainly chill if that is your thing.
- In a large bowl toss together your chicken and your other ingredients with more vinaigrette. (Alternately, you could layer it lettuce, spinach, cucumbers, corn, tomatoes, cheese.)

DESSERT: Grilled Peaches
I can’t wait to try this. I saw it on the news awhile ago and since peaches are in season right now, what better way to celebrate the local harvest! Not sure if I see the point of the brown sugar, fresh local peaches are already very sweet.

• Peaches, 1 per personal
• 2 tsp brown sugar per peach
• Melted butter, enough to brush your peaches with
• Vanilla ice cream

- Cut peaches along the seam all the way around and twist off the pit. Brush cut sides with butter.
- Cook, cut side down, on a hot grill until fruit has grill marks, 3 to 4 minutes.
- Brush tops with butter, turn over, and move to indirect heat. Put 1 tsp of sugar in each peach where the pit was.
- Cover grill and cook until sugar is melted and fruit is tender, 5 to 10 minutes.
- Serve hot with vanilla ice cream.

If you celebrate Lughnasadh what do you intend of filling your family’s bellies with? Even if you don’t what are you having for dinner? Some local foods too I hope!

I’ve never been a huge fan of cluttered sites and I love this design because it feels so bright and clean (even though I still need to reorganize the links and blogroll.) I have to admit, in my mommy brained sleep dep mode I couldn’t find the comment link on my page (doh!) but it is in fact right there in the left column, where I looked a dozen times and then twittered it was the right column… (dyslexics untie!) In my defense most blogs I read have it at the bottom of the posts. I like this new placement though.

I love the Twitter feeds under Michael and my blogs on the frontpage too. Damian doesn’t have one, a little young for texting (I usually twitter via my phone.) The “HMOTD” tweet means “Happiest Moment of the Day” by the way. It is one of my daily practices in gratitude. I got the idea from another twitterer.

Damian might not have a Twitter, but he does have a blog now, which is quite possibly my favorite feature. It is underneath Michael’s on the main page. Not that he can type yet, but Michael and I are more then happy to write what we think he is thinking. A lot of his development updates and daily life-with-baby stuff will probably end up there. My sister-in-law has a similar one for her daughter Emily that I love.

Anyhow I am a creature of habit so it will take me some getting use to, but so far I am loving it.

His eye infection is mostly cleared up by the way. The anti-viral cream, which actually turned out to be a dietary supplement, works well. We have to keep it up though or it comes back within a couple days.

I don’t care how they flavor any cat medication by the way, my cats will never ever lick it off my finger. Does anyone’s cat take medication willingly?

We are hoping to get her to take a set every few months for the first year. We are going to be getting prints of a few of our favorites from this shoot. I can’t wait to see them! (and frame and scrapbook them. I have been working on Damian’s “First Year” scrapbook lately.)

This one of us is one of my favorite of the three of us (we are getting a couple extra prints of it for family too.)

These are a few of the others from that day:

Anyone know who my mystery woman is?

In totally unrelated news the maintenance people for our townhouse complex killed my rosemary. They were out spraying the other day and apparently the don’t know the difference between weeds in ground and a potted plant on my steps. Two days later the weeds and my rosemary are completely dead.

Arg! I’m pissed! That was my most used herb.

I hate fads. However if there is some validity to this and it will give me an edge in communicating with Damian and prevent a tiny bit of frustration, I am willing to set aside my fad issue for him. Funny how parenthood changes our tolerance levels. So baby sign…

The logic behind baby sign is that an infant develops the fine muscles in their hands before they develop the ones required for speech, this means, theoretically, that they are able to communicate with us (adults) far before they are able to speak. There are studies to show that it does not delay speech either, which was my initial concern. I have spoken to several mothers who taught their infants sign, and it doesn’t seem to be as crazy as I initially thought. When it comes to me investigating if things like this work I look more towards other parents then scientific studies. Experience is an awesome teacher.

To teach Damian sign I must first learn the signs myself and then use them in conjunction with my normal speech. For example if I say mommy, I will make the sign as I say the word. Over time Damian will begin to associate that sign with the word and use it when he wants to. This does make sense I suppose, Damian is already beginning to imitate things that Michael and I do after all, the next step if for him to consciously use them, to communicate.

I am just using basic “need signs” with Damian at the moment. For example, when he starts giving indications that he needs nurse I sign “milk” and then nurse him. Consistency is the key and I sign milk every time I nurse him. So far I only use five signs with him, milk, sleep, diaper, mommy, daddy. I do not want to use too many with him yet because I don’t want to overload him with too many concepts he doesn’t currently need (such as food item names, like apple, since he doesn’t eat them yet.) Still, I am working on learning the 100 basics and am going to start using them with Michael even if Damian isn’t watching, eventually we will begin to use them with him.

So we will see where this experiment goes, at 6 weeks old Damian is not signing yet and probably won’t for several months. If he picks it up, great! If not that is fine too, I will have learned some ASL!

There are a lot of cloth diapers available on the market today, some make cloth diapers almost as easy as using disposables (all-in-ones.) There is almost a whole subculture out there that revolves around cloth diapers (there is even one type, called GoodMamas that can go for $100+ a piece on ebay. Organic bamboo mumbojumbo…)

If money wasn’t an option I would probably have some all-in-ones for when we are out, but since our original goal was to save money we use prefolds, the “classic” cloth diaper that seems to intimidate so many people. I am really pleased with them though, after you change two or three of them it is super easy. We bought our current diapers from softclothbunz.com and our order was just shy of $200. For that we got:

• 36 prefolds
• 36 washcloths (to use as wipes)
• 4 diaper covers
• 3 snappis (that blue thing holding Damian’s prefold on)
• Biodegradable liner sheets
• 2 large waterproof bags (for the diaper pail)
• 1 small waterproof bag (for the diaper bag)

This gives us enough diapers that we can go a day or two without doing laundry, since I am a stay-at-home mom, doing laundry isn’t really an issue for us. I do it every day as is. Of all the items listed the liners are our splurge and convenience item. Liners are a rectangular sheet that looks and feels a bit like a drier sheet that are placed in the prefold. If the diaper is just peed in they can get tossed in the laundry with the diapers several times before they start to break down (since they are biodegradable.) If the diaper gets pooed in, the liner can be flushed poo and all. They are really convenient for when we are out and I don’t want to rinse the prefold in a public restroom.

$200 might seem like a lot of money but it is quickly made back when you consider a 34-pack of Huggies disposables cost about $16. Michael and I can use 20 diapers in 24 hours that is 140 diapers a week. That is $65 a week! We make back our $200 investment in just over 3 weeks. In a few months we will have to get the next size up of prefolds but it will still end up being way cheaper then disposables. We can also use these diapers on our next kid of course. We alsoEC Damian so that is even more money saved for us.

Cloth diapers are also healthier for the baby. Very few people I know who use them have problems with diaper rash since there are no chemicals in them. Cases of diaper rash are normally solved by changing laundry detergent. Disposables on the other hand usually can contain:

• Sodium Polyacrylate: a chemical that has been linked to allergic reactions and toxic shock syndrome.
• Bleach: one of the byproducts of the bleaching process is a cancer-causing (according to the EPA) chemical called dioxin. Even in the smallest detectable quantities, dioxin can cause liver disease, immune system suppression, and genetic damage in lab animals.
• Not to mention all the reports the FDA has received that show the fragrances in disposables caused headaches, dizziness,rashes, chemical burns, noxious chemical and insecticide odors. As well as Consumer Protection Agency reports of babies pulling disposables apart and putting pieces of plastic into their noses and mouth and choking on tab papers and linings.

Beyond being cost effective, cloth diapers are ecofriendly, even when factoring the water used to wash them. Cloth diapers are reusable and are usually biodegradable. Compare that to the 18 billion disposable diapers America throws out every year. The outer later of disposable diapers is usually a waterproof polypropylene and the inner layer is usually made of wood pulp and sodium polyacrylate. Once at the dump, disposable diapers will not breakdown for several hundred years, not to mention that they are filled with human excrement that can potentially leach into the water supply.

So cost effective, healthier for baby and ecofriendly are a few of the reasons we use cloth diapers. I really hope more parents in my generation choose cloth, even if for no other reason then saving money - which is a big perk in our current economy! Anyhow, my little rambling here might not convince you but I hope it makes you think and leads you to do some research of your own.

Now is the Time of the First Harvest,
When the bounties of Nature give of themselves
So that we may survive
O God of the ripening fields, Lord of the Grain,
Grant me the understanding of Sacrifice
As you prepare to deliver yourself
Under the sickle of the Goddess

And journey to the lands of Eternal Summer
O Goddess of the Dark Moon,
Teach me the secrets of rebirth
as the Sun loses its strength and the nights grow cold.

I partake of the First Harvest,
Mixing its energies with mine
That I may continue my quest
For the starry wisdom of Perfection
O Lady of the Moon and Lord of the Sun,
before Whom the Stars halt their courses,
I offer my thanks
For the continuing Fertility of the Earth.
May the nodding grain loose its seeds
To be buried in the Mother’s breast
Ensuring Rebirth in the Warmth of next Spring.

[EDIT: A commenter informed me that it originally appeared in "Wicca, A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner" by Scott Cunningham.]

My dad will be arriving in Spokane to visit on Lughnasadh, hopefully we won’t scare him too much, hehe.

Some people have asked me if I will be raising Damian in my spiritual path, the answer is yes and no. I have no desire to hide my spirituality with him or exclude him from the traditions Michael and I have formed (such as celebrating the sabbats.) I think family traditions are important and give a child memories to look back on later in life, much the way I fondly look back on Christmas and Easter now.

This will be his first Lughnasadh and he will be present for our celebration of course. As he grows I will explain as much of our beliefs to him as I feel he is ready to absorb. I also intend on teaching him other belief systems as well, and ultimately the choice if what he wishes to practice is his. There is no such thing as too much knowledge. When he is older, if he chooses to continue to follow my path, so be it, if he is called to another, so be it.

Damian is doing extremely well. My midwife told me it is great if he has gained 2lbs since birth. He has gone in 8lbs 8oz to 12lbs 4oz, gaining 3lbs12oz! Beth was shocked and really pleased, she says he is the biggest six week baby she has weighed in a long time. She was really impressed that he can hold his head up as well as any 3 month old too. We really do have a super baby.

Tomorrow our photographer friend, Andrea, is going to do family portraits of us in Manito Park. Temple Free Spirit is also having a potluck picnic there at noon (we are meeting by the duck pond.) I am really looking forward to tomorrow.

Today I’m going through another growth spurt, so I am eating almost all day.

When I’m not eating, mommy gives me tummy time. I am trying to learn how to roll over, I can already get to my side from my back or belly! I just can’t seem to get the rest of the way over. Maybe after this growth spurt I will be able to push myself the rest of the way over. Mommy has a video of me during tummy time, I’ll have her upload it.

Damian’s eyes are blue-green like Michael’s though they have some hints of hazel like mine, they are still changing so I am not sure which way they will settle. I think his hair will be dark and wavy like his daddy’s. Damian has a Darwin’s tubercle on both ears, which comes from me. Nice to know him and I are more like monkeys then the rest of you!

• My problem with poo? Totally gone.
• “I’ve worn this skirt once already” has become “Hey this is still clean!”
• Being afraid of dropping the baby has turned into balancing him on my shoulder while burping him while bouncing him while I complete various tasks.
• There is no such thing as too busy to grab a nap.
• The pursuit if spiritual enlightenment now only requires looking at my baby (awwww.)
• I use to be the slowest eater in the world, now I eat even faster then Michael, probably even faster then my brother.
• I could never eat soggy cereal before without gagging, now even after it has turned to mush it tastes fine… It is quick, pretty healthy and still edible, therefor I eat it.
• In fact I can eat while I change a diaper.
• Quiet mediation time has turned into funny faces at baby time.
• As has meal time and bath time and…
• Breastfeeding Baby + Cloth Prefold Diaper = Table. Just toss that prefold over his body and you can totally rest your journal and pen there… or your bowl of cereal.
• Exercise has now become wearing the baby in a sling while cleaning (which is surprisingly calorie intensive.)
• Breastmilk stains no longer bother me (nor does spit up.)
• Spit is seriously the best cleaner ever, someone should market it.
• Seriously I think it could cure cancer or something.

Anyhow, with that potentially embarrassing photo out of the way (though I like mullets), this is a more recent photo:

The last time I saw my dad was during our handfasting last summer. My brother and father live in the UAE, where he does consulting (my brother is a lawyer.) I get to see lots of photos of his various adventures over there in his blog. My family is a very complicated topic and growing up with my dad wasn’t always a walk in the park but I can say beyond the shadow of a doubt I am certainly daddy’s little girl.

I can’t find too many photos of us together which is a bit funny because we spent a lot of time together when I was growing up. He usually was taking more photos of me on our outings though. He took this one of me at an abandoned church in Spain we were exploring one weekend. It was a pain to get into, he had to hoist me into a hole in the second floor. We both have a cat like curiosity (and luckily 9 lives it seems) as well as a passion for history and the outdoors. This picture reminds me of the time we rock climbed together in the south of France.

He also took this one of me at a festival of St. George (he also paid for that dye job.) I think this was the same year we got our ears pierced together. Actually repierced for both of us since Mr. Mullet up there had an ear piercing before we moved to France. Father daughter piercing outing, some people find it weird but I think it is pretty sweet. We also went to heavy metal concerts together and ran together at Correfoc. Unfortunately I can’t talk him into the joint tattooing session… but you can’t have it all!

Because of the distance and cost of travel we don’t get to see each other much anymore, adult life does this I suppose. He was at Michael and my handfasting last summer, which was awesome and I figured it would be a couple years a least before he came again… but he is coming to visit at the beginning of August! I am looking forward to him meeting Damian for the first time.

Happy Birthday Dad! I love you.

Hello fire season (and the arson psychopaths that come with it…)

SPOKANE VALLEY — Fire crews are battling a fire that is spreading east on the outskirts of the Dishman Hills area. (read more…)

We had our handfasting in the Dishman Hills Conservation Area if that puts it into perspective for anyone. Guesstimating using google maps it is about 3 miles from our place but it is burning in the opposite direction. They have evacuated 15 blocks west of Dishman-Mica so far and that area keeps growing. The fire is spreading really fast, it is 500+acres at the moment (edit: now its 1000 acres.)

There is also a three alarm fire at the Ugly Duck too, which is in Spokane. It is a furniture liquidator, that one was arson (…again, this would be the seventh arson there in the past 4 years.)

We have a red flag warning today so this is really the worst time possible for these fires (and the others burning in the Inland Northwest.) The winds are starting to die down enough that they can get a tanker plane up to help get the Dishman fire under control though. It is amazing seeing the pine trees go up like match sticks, and homes too (we just watched one burn down in under 10 minutes.) It is so important for people to make defensible space around there homes, if you don’t the firefighters will have a tough time protecting your home if they can at all.

I have gotten several comments about commenting on my blog lately. Above the comment box on each post it has always said:

Comments are moderated and may not show up immediately. Please be patient, do not post twice, we will get your comment.

I pinkie swear that I do not purposely moderate anyones comments. Some comments go into the moderation queue for a variety of reasons but mainly because you probably clear your cookies often (I think it also happens when you or change the email address you use when you comment or post lots of links…) If your comment doesn’t show up after you post it, you can be 99.9% sure I got it and just need to approve it, which Michael or I will do when we have a moment to spare (I do delete duplicates though.)

I know I have been talking about breastfeeding a lot lately but it takes up a huge portion of my day. In fact I only have time to blog while I breastfeed. My brother had a good point though that there are other aspects to parenting I could discuss. None of them are as much of a challenge to me (or take as much time) as breastfeeding though. Still I am going to try to take hsi advice, the other stuff might be pretty interesting to some as well. Michael and I practice natural and attached parenting, so I am going to try to start talking about co-sleeping, babywearing, bathing together, cloth diapering, not letting Damian cry it out, natural childbirth and delayed vaccination.

Oh and another thing I do not intend for any of my posts to be an attack on anyone else who has an alternate parenting style to ours. Attached parenting is simply what works best for our situation. Please don’t take my posts as a personal attack on you, I don’t have time to waste attacking individuals. Believe it or not a baby is very time consuming! Hehe.

Anyhow, I will talk about all these things but Damian just dozed off so we are going to nap now… and then continue the search for the missing camera upload cable. I have some cloth diapering photos to post.

Damian and I took a walk over to Rite Aid today and then to the park, where he decided it was lunch time, so I picked a discreet bench under some trees and away from the road and basketball court and fed him. A lady came by a couple minutes later with her toddler and we talked for a few minutes. She said I was very brave to feed him in public.

I know her statement was not far off the mark (though I feel more stubborn type-A then brave.) I shouldn’t have to be brave to breastfeed in public though, no woman should. I am protected by Washington law after all (unlike Idaho law, so I guess I am out of luck when I go to Coeur d’Alene.) I have more coverage when Damian is at the breast (because of his handsome big baby head) then what I see some teenage girls in the street showing (heck, more then some of my party dresses.) I personally don’t feel that breastfeeding needs to be hidden away as if it were dirty. Breastmilk as well as nursing at the breast (rather then a bottle) is best for babies, there are more then enough studies to support that statement and I want to give my baby the very best since I can.

I was starting to feel like the only one who thought this way (maybe this is what growing up overseas does to you?) but I recently found a group of women who agree, which was nice. Now if only they were local instead of online… Though I think I am going to try to go to a Mindful Mamas meeting this Thursday, I feel I might find some kindred spirits there.

We are long gestators in my family so when I lost my mucus plug at 3:30am on June 6th, 2008, 10 days before my due date, I didn’t think too much of it. When the contractions started an hour later I still thought it was false labor, even though they were regular and noticeable, unlike my braxton hicks. My husband and I were both awake at that point though and starting it get a little excited. We started timing the contractions and when they were about 7 minutes apart we called my midwife, Linda, to let her know what was going on, it was about 7am. We also called my mother-in-law, Kim, who assisted us in the birth (and for a couple days afterwards.)

I stayed home until around noon and then we went to the birth center, which is just 15 minute away from our home. I was bubbly and excited still at this point and also still was having a hard time believing I was in labor! Kim met us when we got there.

Linda checked me and I was at 3cm and the baby was fully engaged. The 3cm was a little disappointing but I know that we can labor long in my family. Linda was very encouraging and I felt we still had quite awhile to go before the birth so we went home for awhile. Kim and Michael made me spaghetti for lunch and then Michael and I took a nap. He woke to sooth me through my contractions, especially as they started to get longer and stronger.

At three I went to the bathroom and fluid went all down my leg and on the floor during a contraction. Thinking my water had broken, we called Linda and she had us return to the birth center. She gave me a vaginal wash since I had group B strep (I opted for that rather then IV antibiotics.) She also checked me while she was doing that and I was still only 3cm, my bag of waters was still intact as well (I’d simply wet myself at home.) I did stayed at the birth center from that point on though.

Time passed, I napped on and off. Linda came in a few times to check on us a few times, Michael was pushing on my lower back for every contraction at this point and I felt the need to move around quite a bit in between them. I really wanted to get into the tub but I had to wait till I was 5cm before I could (or else it can slow your labor.) I am glad I didn’t hop in the tub right away though or else I would not have discovered the birthing ball. So comfortable to lean over! Still, I wanted the tub and finally at 7pm I hit 5cm, so I got in. It was bliss! Michael got in behind me to rub my back. It was intimate and wonderful. We whispered encouraging words to each other between contractions. I was getting more low-tone vocal during my contractions and they were also starting to get more and more intense. I ultimately got out of the tub and returned to my (beloved) birthing ball for the rest of labor.

Around nine my midwife gave me another vaginal wash and checked me. I was 6cm and we found my bag of waters was still intact. I was so tired and just wanted to sleep but my body wasn’t having any of that! We discussed break my water, and ultimately decided to do that. Linda broke my water at 9:15pm.

Almost immediately after my water was broken I went into transition, Michael knealed behind me and leaned on my back for the whole time. When Linda came back in and checked me she found (a little to her surprise) that I was pushing. I had actually been trying to fight that urge because I thought it was a bowel movement and didn’t want to poo in front of anyone (I am a bit of a type-A personality. Not being in control? Not an option!) Michael reminded me I had to let go so that the baby could come. I finally surrender to my body and felt the strong urges to push rush over me like waves crashing on a shoreline. I hard hardly started pushing when Linda told me the baby was crowning and I got to touch his head. Knowing he was coming out opened up a huge well of inner strength and gave me the power to keep going. The feeling of him coming out of my body was orgasmic.

I don’t remember sitting back, or ending up on the bed, but I found myself holding my baby boy against my chest, his pulsing cord connecting the two of us. He only screamed for a minute before looking at me with his beautiful big eyes. We laid like that for what seemed like no time and forever, skin to skin, my baby boy was perfect in every way. According to my husband, the single word I uttered in that time was a simple soft “wow”. I had never even held a baby under a year in my whole life but it felt so natural. I have never felt such a deep feeling of connectivity, devotion and love. Michael snuggled beside us on the bed and we just sat there in that place of ultimate bliss.

When Damian’s cord stopped pulsing, the midwife left me cut it and she took him briefly to weigh and measure him, 8lbs 8oz, 21 inches long! She never left the bedside with him, he never left our sight and as soon as she was done we was right back in our arms. Michael finally got to hold him while I delivered the placenta and then got checked and dressed. I tore a tiny bit but didn’t need stitches. I felt as if I was floating from joy.

Three hours after he was born, we were buckling him into his carseat and listening to Linda give us the run down of things to watch for over the next 24 hours (when she would come check on us at home.) I sat with Damian in the back seat on the way home, I couldn’t take my eyes off my beautiful baby. I had such an overwhelming feeling of love filling my heart (I still get this feeling when I look at him.) When we got home exhaustion finally did hit, like a hammer, and Michael and I crawled into bed with our most beautiful gift ever.

So that is my birth story with Damian. I was hard, yes, but worth every moment. If I had had drugs or doctors hovering over me waiting for something to go wrong I think I might have felt robbed of the birth experience and not have been able to bond with my baby so instantly. To have those present listen to me and trust my body as much as I did was empowering. This was my first birth, a natural childbirth, and the only way I ever want to give birth.

I love to see happy people, I think that is why I love it so much.

Windigo was our main worry but after the initial sulking he has warmed up to Damian and even tries to cuddle occasionally. (Though he might be trying to cuddle with me as he only does it when I am holding the baby.)

As for Aos, as long as he has food, water and a clean litter box he really doesn’t care about much, or rather, pretends he doesn’t care…

(Both photos were taken on June 8th.)

4 weeks old tomorrow! Time is going by unbelievably fast! He almost doesn’t fit in his newborn clothes anymore.

Seriously, is financial stress part of parenthood? Why does everything seem to go expensively wrong at the same time.

The gas pump died on our van a week ago and apparently a former owner replaced the fuel line with normal hose so it has to be replaced too (since it was leaking.) $700 for that. We broke down in a parking lot on our way to my two week midwife appointment, that was fun in the blistering heat. Our friend Shannon came and picked up Damian and I though (bless her) while Michael waited for the tow truck.

Damian and I have thrush at the moment (it is basically a yeast infection in his mouth that got transfered to my breasts.) I get chronic yeast infections so it is not too surprising but it is certainly not making the nursing experience pleasant. We are treating it though and it is starting to improve. I feel guilty for giving it to him, though I know it is really not my fault. though I could cut more sugars out of my diet (which hasn’t been the best this past few weeks…) I had forgotten till now how much my physical and mental self suffers when I do not control my diet better. It is more stressful emotionally then financially. It is making Damian’s bowel movements irregular, it is hard to see him struggle. I have been wearing him in the sling most of the day so that he feels secure, it seems to be helping.

I called the vet today and explained that we really couldn’t afford to bring the cats in but that I know what is wrong with them (they get this thing about once a year, it is a reoccurring herpes eye infection. They get it when they get stressed.) I said we would bring them in if we had to though, they are part of our family after all. Luckily the vet was really understanding and though he can’t give us the antibiotic without seeing them, he can give us an anti-viral gel. Michael is picking it up after work. We have never used this treatment on them so fingers crossed that it works.

Does anyone else has this problem with any of their animals? Is there anything preventative you do for it (other then trying to keep them low stress?)

The +90F heat isn’t helping any of this. We don’t have screens so we can’t open the windows to get a breeze going (we only have AC in one room) the cats would get out if I opened them as is. I called the landlady about it today and tried to be as polite as possible. She was also understanding (I am thankful for all these small miracles) and is going to see what she can do about it.

I am wondering what will happen next and how we will get through it. I know we will, we always do, and if anything this makes Michael and my relationship stronger because it shows us how much we need each others support. I am quite an optomistic person but this is even dragging me down I guess.

This will probably be amusing to some, but when I am feeling down I love listening to Walking in Memphis to calm my mind. It is such a beautiful song. Marc Cohn has such and amazing voice. Music is a force more powerful then the darkest mood in my life.

[ ] the dark
[ ] staying single forever
[x] being a parent
[ ] giving birth
[ ] being myself in front of others
[ ] open spaces
[x] closed spaces (only man-made ones, I am totally cool with caves and such)
[ ] heights
[ ] dogs
[ ] birds
[ ] fish
[ ] spiders
[ ] flowers or other plants

Total so far: 2

[ ] being touched
[ ] fire
[x] deep water
[ ] snakes
[ ] silk
[ ] the ocean
[ ] failure
[ ] success
[ ] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[ ] my boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s dad
[ ] boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s mom
[ ] rats
[ ] jumping from high places
[ ] snow

Total so far: 3

[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[x] crossing hanging bridges
[ ] death
[x] heaven
[ ] being robbed
[ ] falling
[ ] clowns
[ ] dolls
[ ] large crowds of people
[ ] men
[ ] women
[x] having great responsibilities
[ ] doctors, including dentists
[ ] tornadoes

Total so far: 6

[ ] hurricanes
[ ] incurable diseases
[ ] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[ ] ghosts
[ ] poverty
[ ] Halloween
[ ] school
[ ] trains
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[ ] being alone
[ ] becoming blind
[x] becoming deaf
[ ] growing up

Total so far: 7

[ ] creepy noises in the night
[ ] bee stings
[x] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[ ] needles
[ ] blood
[ ] dinosaurs
[ ] the welcome mat
[ ] high speed
[ ] throwing up
[ ] falling in love
[ ] super secrets

Final Total: 8

… if you wish to post this in your journal, it’s been requested that you title it “I’m afraid of __ out of 72 common fears”

If you get more than 30, I strongly recommend some counseling.
If you get more than 20, you’re paranoid.
If you get 10-20, you are normal.
If you get 10 or less, you’re fearless.
People who don’t have any are liars

Damian was 10lbs2oz at our 3 week postpartum appointment with Linda yesterday. She is amazed at how quickly he is growing. Yay for breastmilk! Breastfeeding is going really well. I don’t mind feeding him in front of people that I know now, as long as they don’t mind, and I am almost to the point I would be okay feeding him in public (I nurse him in the van if he needs it when we are out at the moment.)

At home he is super easy to nurse since I just wear a skirt and my nursing bra around the house, it might get up to 100F this weekend (wait, didn’t it snow just 3 weeks ago?) so both Damian and I are shunning most clothing lately…

I only have one bottom that fits at the moment anyhow, a broomstick skirt (I love broomstick skirts, and skirts in general.) My maternity clothes are now much too big and my pre-pregnancy pants won’t be fitting in awhile (I need to loose about 20lbs for that. Exercise and a balanced diet will fit that over time though I assume.) I have one shirt I am comfortable nursing with in public, it allows easy access since it buttons up, it is also made of a black material that hardly show leak throughs. The shirt actually use to be Michael’s but it shrank in the laundry.

The outfit is very comfortable but it makes me feel like a bag lady. Broomstick skirts are awesome but they really need a fitted top so you don’t look 10 pounds heavier (which I don’t need right now.) I know that is vain but I like to look pretty, is that so bad? I have button up fitted shirts but they were bought for a B-cup, so thet don’t fit over the current D-cup by any stretch of the imagination.

So sometime in the next week or two I am going to have to get out to Goodwill and buy myself some clothes. I adore thrift stores. In the meantime I am oogling over nursing clothes on Amazon (I love this top though it needs a onesie that says “DEMAND around the clock” to match it.) It is kind of hard knowing I am almost a plus size now when I use to be a size 4, though I know I can’t be hard on myself (yay for social stereotyping?) Anyhow, a lot of nursing tops have quite ingenious ways to allow for discreet nursing, I wish I had time to sew and was more skilled at making patterns.

I love strawberry lemonade but I have no clue how to make it. I looove ice tea too, I normally keep it around but honestly I have pretty much been a water guzzler lately. And cranberry juice (I have a bladder infection.) Heather Bullard has a tasty sounding cooler on her blog, which mixes cranberry juice with Squirt. Might have to try that, though I try to avoid carbonated beverages.

I am going to have to extract myself from this pose shortly to make myself some more food. It hasn’t been too difficult so far but afternoon is approaching, his most active time. Maybe I will take him for a little walk in one of the wraps.

A few days ago, Michael, Damian and I drove out to Mother’s Haven where we got a breastfeeding pillow (made by Luna Lullaby, it is amazing) as well as a Maya Wrap. I love Mother’s Haven, I don’t think I will be buying any mother/baby stuff anywhere else if I can find it there. The owner is an amazing woman and the quality of her products are outstanding.

We got the Maya Wrap for Michael because it is very easy to put on and get use to. Damian loves it, we went for a walk around the Farmer’s Market with him after we bought it.

I have a Moby Wrap which is a bit tricker but better to secure Damian while I do housework. We are both getting use to it and how tight or loose it has to be. Still haven’t tried breastfeeding in either one.

Michael and I have been handfasted for one year today. We decided this morning that Damian is the best gift ever.

And the best gift ever needs a diaper change now.

Elimination Communication (EC for short) is a method of communicating with your baby about when he needs to go potty. It’s not potty training, it’s about recognizing the signals he gives you when he needs to poo or pee. Just like he gives a signal when he’s hungry (such as licking his lips, putting his fist in his mouth, or rooting), he gives very clear signals that he needs to go potty (grunting, tensing his legs, fussing a bit). If you learn to watch for these signals, you can help him go in the potty or wherever else you want him to go. Babies catch on to this very quickly - they do not like sitting in their own waste, and if they learn that you will help them not sit in their own waste they get very good at telling you they need to go. It’s about trust and communication.

From the beginning, Damian has been very good about letting us know when he needed to poo. Whenever we noticed that he needed to, we would take off his diaper and let him relieve himself on the open diaper on the changing table. There has been very few times that he has gone in the diaper directly. As far as going pee though, his signals have been much more discreet, so most of the time he would pee in his diaper. But last night, we hit a milestone. Not once did he pee in his diaper. He has learned to become more vocal about his signal that he needs to pee. All 3 times he woke up, he was dry, and when I encouraged him to go (by cuing him with noises such as ’ssssss’ for pee and ‘grrrrrrr’ for poo) he went.

Of course there is a long way to go on this, but I’m excited about how well he is doing. We won’t be out of diapers anytime soon, but we will be much sooner then most kids!

If you want more information on EC, I highly recommend the book The Diaper Free Baby by Christine Gross-loh.

Here are some other useful links on EC:

• Wikipedia: Elimination Communication
• Infant Potty Training
• newborn ec: nobody told me this would be so easy!

(Ooooo wallet!)

Anyhow, so about my first 11 days of breastfeeding Damian…

I started off using nipple shields, though I only used they for a couple days, I got really nasty bloody blisters on my nipples from them. Surprisingly enough Damian latched on right away without them. Super suck reflex!

Damian definitely does not have any form of nipple aversion but I might be getting it! Don’t get me wrong, I love breastfeeding him, it releases all kinds of happy hormones in my body but my left nipple is a leaky bucket. I am not engorged or anything, if anything it is less full then the right side! I can completely soak through a cloth prefold diaper stuffed in my bra in 20 minutes if I am feeding him on the other side, or if I am sleeping. I also have developed a small cut that has scabbed over on my nipple. Wow that hurts when he latches. I don’t know what I would do without Lanolin (it is a greasy yellow skin ointment made from wool. It moisturizes and it safe for to use while breastfeeding.)

I also have been writing this journal entry since 2 this afternoon, it is now 7. Damian is constantly feeding today and my poor breasts are sooo sore. I’ve read he naturally does this just before a growth spurt (he should be having one about now, then again at 2 or 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months, etc) but wow, today has seems to have been totally about my boobs and his wet diapers. Damian has been sleeping for about an hour now though and Michael is napping too. I probably should be but I need to take some me time (so I blog…)

Michael is being so awesome about it all, he is becoming the cloth diaper changing king. He was wearing the baby in a sling for awhile today which was really cute. If only he could help breastfeed too… Still I love breastfeeding.

Damian and I also took a bath today, which was really fun. Babies float! I totally didn’t know that, he loved being in the tub with me, he was so mellow and great (and didn’t want a boob for 25 whole minutes!)

Yesterday we had our first outing. We went out and got me some more nursing bras (so long B cup, hello D cup. A country could get lost in this cleavage) and then had a lunch stop over in Friendship Park, where Damian decided he wanted to poop and have lunch too. I fed him in the van, I am not comfortable enough with nursing to do it in public yet… Then we went grocery shopping, he was fantastic in the store, unless he stopped the cart for too long (he had this problem with the van stopping as well) then he started getting restless.

My main goal for this week before Michael goes back to work (next Monday) is to get Damian use to being in the moby wrap so I can wear him around while I work.. He doesn’t like the newborn wrap so I am going to try the kangaroo wrap tomorrow.

One handed typing now, just finished another feeding, sleeping (kinda) baby in arms. I’m going to post this now, sorry if it sounds disjointed.

IF you came to my house…

You would see:
A clean downstairs! Michael has done such a great job of keeping the townhouse clean since I have been on bedrest. It kinda puts my cleaning skills to shame.

We’d probably feed you:
Pasta salad, I usually have a bowl of that lurking in the fridge in the summer time.

And offer you this to drink:
Ice tea or tap water (I have an issue with buying water…) We might have milk or very vanilla soymilk too.

We’d undoubtedly ask if you’d read:
I’m not sure, I mainly read spiritual autobiographies so probably ones of those. Maybe “In Search of Grace”.

We’d want to play this music for you:
Renfey or some Celticy background music.

We’d want to tell you the latest about:
My son!

We’d probably suggest a game of:
Scattergories or Scrabble

We might show off:
My son?

We might get on the computer and show you:
Photos or a humorous website.

I hope you enjoyed this… If you do it please let me know so I can remember visit! (My brain is a little everywhere lately.)

Oo my boys are up!

We are doing well (still tired of course.) Damian and I are really getting the hang of breastfeeding, we are already off the nipple shields. He is being sooo good about it. It is hard to get up so much at nighttime, it feels like he needs me (or rather, needs boobs) constantly, but he needs me. Michael is really good about helping burp him after and getting him to sleep again.

We had a huge thunderstorm this afternoon with about an inch of hail, some funnel clouds were even spotted. Damian slept through almost all of it (till he went poo and needed a diaper change.) Mellow baby!

Anyhow, he is napping now, so I am going to nap…

I thought we were done with the snow. But apparently not. It’s snowing right now.

I tried to get a picture of the falling snow, but the camera couldn’t pick it up. Jaspenelle says if we were in medieval times, her and Damian would have been declared a witch. Snow in June, I can’t believe it.

Thank you so much for all your beautiful comments! I have a few minutes so I decided to drop by blog land for a bit and let you all know how everything is going.

Damian Michael Stewart was born on June 6th at 10:15pm and as you know, he is 8lbs8oz and 21 inches long. He is sooo perfect (I am sure every new mother says that) and came out screaming! (And has hardly screamed since, hehe!)

He was my first and labor was like nothing I expecting (I am sure that new mothers say that too…) Labor lasted 18.5 hours. We were at the birth center with my midwife for 7.5 of them. We ended up artificially breaking my water almost exactly an hour before Damian was born. I went through transition and pushed him out all in that time, it was very intense.

Michael was sooo wonderful, he was basically pushing on my back the whole time, when I was in bed, on the birthing ball, in the tub, when I was pushing… I didn’t know he had that kind of stamina (he told me that he was telling himself “if she can keep doing it, then I can keep doing this.”) I am amazed my body could do it all naturally, there was a couple times I thought I couldn’t do it but they were brief. I don’t think I couldn’t have done it without Michael’s constant support and encouragment, and Kim’s too! (My mother-in-law attended the birth, I somehow managed not to crush her hand.)

I tore a little (no stitches) so peeing really sucks right now. Breastfeeding is getting a little easier, I have to use nipple shields (I think that is what they are called) because I have flat nipples. I got a hickey on my nipple the first time we tried though (OW!)

We came home a couple hours after he was born (we are only 20 minutes from the birth center.) The midwife is coming over to check me and the baby tomorrow. I going to write a more detailed birth story sometime soon but for now I need some more naptime (and I think the baby needs some boobtime!)

(More photos here. None with me, I am not ready for my post-pregnancy photo debut quite yet.)

I keep getting struck by awe, we have a baby boy!

Damian Michael Stewart was born on June 6, 2008 at 10:15pm. He weighed 8lbs, 8oz, and had a length of 21 inches.