Michael and Jaspenelle

Exploring life, spirituality, and so much more
2:06 pm

Forgiveness

totally unrelated but inspiring photo
What is forgiveness? The word itself comes from the Latin “perdonare” which means “to give completely, without reservation.” I suppose that is true but that seems to simple for something that is so incredibly difficult. I see forgiveness as the need to untie yourself from that which binds you to an offense that was committed against you. In forgiving we release the feelings that hold sway over up allowing us to shed the emotional baggage can had hold us back.

It is so easy to become tangled in a mess of bitterness and resentment that swells to the point that it becomes hard to even remember how it began. It is sometimes hard to see that forgiveness is not the same as condoning negative behavior, nor is it the a synonym for forgetting. Rather, it is a decision to allowing positive energy hold greater sway in your life, and while forgiveness can ultimately lead to feelings for compassion for the one who hurt you, I think that it is and should be done for self first and foremost.

It is never easy for me to forgive but it is as important to my spiritual practice and wellbeing (two aspects of my life that I see as one) as the practice of compassion. How to I find the capacity to forgive within myself? That normally takes solitude on my part, often I find I have to forgive actions within my own heart before I can find enough positivity to allow myself to pardon another. Oddly enough it is easier for me to find and feel compassion for a person who hurt me long before I find forgiveness.

How about you? Is forgiveness important in your life? Why?

8:00 am

Meme

I have an awful headcold so I will blog about camping later, but for now to waste the time till Damian takes his nap. This is a random meme I was tagged for. Bold what’s true. Not tagging anyone, do it if you want. I don’t care.

I am 5′4″ or shorter
I think I’m ugly
I think I am beautiful
I have many scars
I tan easily
I wish my hair was a different color
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
I have a tattoo
I am self-conscious about my appearance
I have/I’ve had braces
I wear glasses
I’d get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free, scar-free
I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger
I have more than 2 piercings
I have piercings in places besides my ears
I have freckles
I’ve sworn at my parents
My biological parents are together
I have a sibling less than one year old
I want to have kids someday (want more)
I have children
I’ve lost a child
I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation
Disney movies still make me cry
I’ve snorted while laughing
I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried
I’ve glued my hand to something
I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose
I’ve had my pants rip in public
I was born with a disease/impairment (does dyslexia count?)
I’ve had stitches
I’ve broken a bone
I’ve had my tonsils removed
I’ve sat in a doctor’s office with a friend
I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed
I had a serious surgery
I’ve had chicken pox
I’ve driven over 200 miles in one day (Michael drove, I don’t)
I’ve been on a plane
I’ve been to Canada (born there…)
I’ve been to Niagara Falls
I’ve been to Japan
I’ve Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans
I’ve been to Europe (lived there…)
I’ve been to Africa
I’ve been to France (lived there… does France not count as Europe to the meme maker?)
I’ve been lost in my city
I’ve seen a shooting star
I’ve wished on a shooting star
I’ve seen a meteor shower
I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas
I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator
I’ve been to a casino (never gambled though)
I’ve been skydiving
I’ve gone skinny dipping
I’ve played spin the bottle
I’ve crashed a car (I wouldn’t say crashed, it was more the ditch attacking me…)
I’ve been skiing
I’ve been in a play
I’ve met someone in person from the internet (married him too)
I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue
I’ve seen the Northern Lights
I’ve sat on a roof top at night
I’ve played chicken
I’ve played a prank on someone
I’ve ridden in a taxi
I’ve seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
I’ve eaten Sushi
I’ve been snowboarding
I’m single
I’m in a relationship
I’m available
I’m engaged
I’m married
I’ve gone on a blind date
I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper
I miss someone right now
I have a fear of abandonment
I’ve been divorced
I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t
I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did
I’ve kept something from a past relationship
I’ve had a crush on someone of the same gender sex
I’ve kissed a member of the same gender
I’ve had sex with someone of the opposite gender sex
I’ve had sex with someone of the same gender
I’ve had sex with more than one person at the same time
I am a cuddler
I’ve been kissed in the rain
I’ve had sex outdoors
I’ve hugged a stranger
I have kissed a stranger
I have had sex with a stranger
I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t
I have lied to my parents about where I am
I am keeping a secret from the world
I’ve cheated while playing a game
I’ve cheated on a test
I’ve run a red light
I’ve been suspended from school
I’ve witnessed a crime
I’ve been in a fist fight
I’ve shoplifted
I’ve consumed alcohol
I’ve smoked cigarettes
I’ve smoked pot
I regularly drink
I’ve taken painkillers when I didn’t need them
I’ve been addicted to an illegal substance
I take cough meds when I’m not sick
I can’t swallow pills
I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
I have been diagnosed with depression
I shut others out when I’m depressed
I take anti-depressants
I have an eating disorder
I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it
I’ve hurt myself on purpose
I’m addicted to self harm
I’ve woken up crying
I’m afraid of dying
I hate funerals
I’ve seen someone dying
Someone close to me has attempted suicide
Someone close to me has committed suicide
I can sing well
I’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant
I open up to others too easily
I don’t kill bugs
I curse regularly
I sing in the shower
I am a morning person
I paid for my cell phone ring tone
I’m a snob about grammar
I am a sports fanatic
I play with my hair
I have/had “x”s in my screen name
I love being neat
I’ve copied more than 30 CDs in a day
I bake well
My favorite color is either yellow, pink, red or blue
I don’t know how to shoot a gun
I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS
I laugh at my own jokes
I eat fast food weekly
I believe in ghosts
I am online 24/7, even as an away message
I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room
I am really ticklish
I love white chocolate
I bite my nails
I play video games
I’m good at remembering faces
I’m good at remembering names
I’m good at remembering dates
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life

8:03 am

Cameos

cameos
I think that it was very much by accident that I fell in love with cameos. When I was a child, I adored change, especially pennies. My mother use to give me all her pennies and sometimes other small change as long as it was smaller then a quarter. I thought all the coins were just fascinating. (A nice little side effect of that was that I amassed quite the little childhood fortune by the time I was six.) We were back and forth between Canada and North Carolina quite a lot so I had a nice mix of coins. I loved how Lincoln’s head was carved into the penny, and I especially adored a specific kind of Canadian quarter that had a horse on one side. I know I said she didn’t give me quarters, but those were always the exception. (If you are curious, those quarters were minted in 1973 to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.) I still have one in fact. I loved running my fingers over the surface of the coins and feeling all the little bumps, it was just so cool.

At some point I saw some of my grandma’s cameos in one of her jewelry boxes and I thought “Wow, those are even cooler then coins!” Not only where they carved in relief but they were also two-toned, usually white on black. My grandma probably noticed by utter fascination and she gave me my first cameo. It had a gold tone pin setting and was a white on peach carving a lady’s head. It has been years since she gave me my first cameo and I still only have a small handful of them (most of which she gave me) but they are not something I see that often. I is also nice having a small, slow growing collections of fantastic pieces with a story.

The photo in this post shows my favorite cameo and my newest one, both from my grandma. The one on at the bottom is pinned on my jean jacket (possibly my most worn and loved jacket for that matter) and it depicts a mermaid waving next to a merchild blowing a horn, I am fairly sure it is white and blue agate, I received it for Christmas a couple years ago. My grandma sent the other one to me this Easter. I need to find a velvet ribbon to thread it on (it is a choker piece as far as I know.) I love the classic white on black woman’s head cameo. Almost all my others are pins, so it is really nice to add one to my collect that has a different use.

Anyhow I just wanted to share my little interest with you. I don’t meet many people who collect cameos so if you are out there, speak up, (and nice to meet you!)

8:35 am

I Command…

Damian

  1. Thou shall giveth everything to me.
  2. Thou shall not taketh (it) back from me.
  3. I shall throweth wherever I wanteth.
  4. Thou shall not covet my stuff.
  5. Thou shall feed me.
  6. Thou shall clean me (even my poopy bottom.)
  7. If you will - I won’t.
  8. If you won’t - I will.
  9. If you insist - hell will be the abode.
  10. The night is mine, the day is mine, you are at the servitude.

So mote it be.

8:24 pm

Why Not?: Association Meme

Comment to this post and I will give you 5 subjects/items that I associate you with. Then post this on your blog and elaborate on the subjects given. Link the post to me if you do this meme so that I don’t miss it!

Or if you want, just comment here on five things that you associate with me and I will share my thoughts on what you say. I will only comment on each thing once though, (but I don’t mind if you say something someone else said!)


Zyleeth said:

Family: This is definitely one of the most important aspects in my life, though my definition of family is not necessarily defined by blood relation. In fact I think, for the most part, blood ties are a very shallow reason to want to be around someone. I have friends who are family to me. I don’t need to agree completely ideologically or spiritually with a person for them to be family, but I do need to feel welcomed, respected, and the other person needs to have an open mind.

Intelligence: How flattering! I suppose I do have a decent head on my shoulder. I really like to have a plan and to work through all the possibilities in my mind before executing an important task. That said, I trust my gut a lot of the time when results could fall either way.

Passion: Ice ice baby! Wrong kind of passion? I certainly have a passion for life, I adore this little blue ball of life we are riding around the universe. Greatest rollercoaster ever. I have some topics I am more passionate about then others of course, like homesteading and green living, but I love learning about just about anything. I am passionate about people too, I love meeting new people and hearing their stories. I truly believe we can learn from every experience, good or bad.

Phoenixes: Ah, Zyleeth knows! I adore phoenixes, though my views of them are not necessarily traditional. My avatar is a water phoenix, an blue, silver, orange and gold beauty with trailing tails erupting out of the ocean (or river, or well… not puddles though) dripping with flame and water. A symbol of rebirth from the Earth’s womb of course, as well as a reflection of the more mercurial aspect of my subconscious.

Spirituality: I am an intensely spiritual person, and I tend to view almost all parts of my life as some aspect of my spirituality. I am also a very open person so if people ask I will freely discuss my beliefs. Family, living with respect for to the earth, community and ancestor veneration are probably the most important facets of my spirituality. I do not put much faith in deities, nor do I see them as all powerful, but I do believe in wise spirits and they have my respect. When seeking other like-minded people I tend to connect best with Pagans and other Earth-based spiritualists, but I like that I can find common ground with almost any faith (though they do not necessarily see the same correlations.)


Zuca said:

(He also elaborated on each other items in his comment which he didn’t need to do, but is a pretty cool read.)

Belief: See Zyleeth’s list (spirituality.)

Hard Worker: I love having results, so I guess I am a hard worker, that said, if I do not really want to do something, I really won’t. Like right now, I could be cleaning the kitchen, but I would rather be answering this meme. It is important to kick back and have fun too.

Intelligence: See Zyleeth’s list.

Optimism: Probably one of my most recognizable personality traits is this. I am often the incurable optimist, oddly enough, it is not because I necessarily am inside, but it is because someone has to be, and optimists are in short supply in the world. More often then not it is harder to see the good in people then the bad so it is a personal challenge for me too. Besides I heard optimists live longer.

Stubbornness: I would be lying if I said I was not stubborn, but I’ll pick it over being walked on. Generically speaking people seem to correlate optimism with doormat and think I will be a pushover. Little do they know, mwahahahaha! Seriously though I can become really pigheaded if I do not watch it, especially when I have a new idea.

9:55 pm

Mad World

I have had this song stuck in my head for over a week. It is a remake by Gary Jules (originally a Tears for Fears song) and is used in the movie Donnie Darko. There are several music videos for it on YouTube, I just like this one best (a few make me cry though.) I am constantly humming it to myself or singing it to Damian. Some people might think that since I can strongly relate to the words that I am depressed but I find them oddly uplifting.

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very mad world … world
Enlarge your world
Mad world

Just felt like sharing.

10:21 pm

Life

shadows
Sometimes when I ask Michael how his day at work was he says “It went.” That pretty much sums up life in the Stewart household lately. Michael is feeling under the weather, I’m doing my usual stuff, Damian is his usual self, though he is teething (teething biscuits rock.) He did figure out a brand new baby trick today, he pushed the diaper bag up to the baby gate and tried to use it to give himself a boost across it. 7 1/2 months old and he already has his goals set on escape artist. Having children is an adventure!

I have been working on expanding my knitting skills. My mother-in-law brought by my birthday gift the other day, almost every single thing was orange. My heart sings! Orange cotton yarn, orange dusting cloths, orange glasses and pitcher! As well as a few knitting patterns for washcloths and two books, a cookbook and Chicken Soup for the Mother’s Soul. I am halfway through one of the washcloths.

I found some really soft (non-orange) yarn while I was looking for my sketchbook today and am tempted to make a baby blanket for Raveness’s upcoming bundle of joy. Who says all baby items have to be in muted pastels (unless she says so. Rule #1: The pregnant woman is always right. Rule #2: If the pregnant woman is wrong refer to Rule #1.)

My father-in-law tagged me for a meme on Facebook today and since he has never done that before, I thought I would oblige. Or try to, coming up with 25 unique factoids about me could take some time.


Rules: read, enjoy, then have a merry day.

OR the Original Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people (more or less) to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you. — choose the rule you like best

  1. I love orange. This should be decently obvious by now. I think it is one of the most under-appreciated colors out there. Orange peel is my favorite shade but I love all shades of orange as long as they do not venture to far into the realm of yellow. I also love white and green.
  2. I never thought I would like children, much less want one. When I met my husband I knew I wanted children, funny how things can change.
  3. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder which is just a fancy term for getting the winter blues. I prefer to say winter blues, it sounds less intimidating. Or SAD because that is the greatest acronym ever. Except maybe for GNU.
  4. I also have dsylexia. I reread everything I type 5 or 6 times in a special way I learned in therapy to weed out errors. I still make mistakes of course, but I don’t feel stupid when I do anymore.
  5. I would almost exclusively dress in floor length patchwork skirts all the time if I could. Jeans are a lot more practical with a baby though.
  6. A lot of people think I am a geek because of all my websites and because I use Linux. In reality I am lucky I can find my way around a keyboard. Michael does all the techie stuff. My unofficial “job” is to break what he creates so that he can find the bugs.
  7. I love the way my son smells.
  8. After I left home I barely talked to my mother for about for two years. Now we talk regularily and and I think it is fantastic.
  9. I am an intensely spiritual realistic and optimist person. It always amazes me when people find those terms to be mutually exclusive.
  10. I intend on homeschooling my son and any other children I have. I feel I can do a much better job then the American school system and I am not worried about them being unsocialized since I meet people easily.
  11. Except in the case of medical necessity I am strongly opposed to the use of formula. I tend to keep my opinions on it to myself though because I know how easily people get offended and I prefer to avoid arguing.
  12. I generally feel that people use too many negatives to define themselves. (I don’t like yellow rather then I love orange.) It seems easier to focus on what we lack rather then what we are grateful for.
  13. I try to always speak from a place of wholeness and love. No one was ever ever won over by anger and fear. That said sometimes my mouth goes faster then my mind.
  14. I think Damian is starting to try to say Mama, but it might be in my head.
  15. For some reason it really annoys some people that I can love without liking.
  16. I sing when I am alone. I make up songs constantly.
  17. I am learning to read music for the first time in my life as well as how to play instrument (the keyboard.) I wish I had learned as a child, I think it would have been easier, both to learn and find time.
  18. I love music that makes me feel and books that make me think. On the flip side I love violent action flicks with little plot, as well as zombie movies. (There are a few exceptions to that though, I love movies with fantastic soundtracks, like A Walk To Remember, City of Angels and Donnie Darko.)
  19. I also like M. Night Shyamalan’s movies.
  20. I have been a very active dreamer since I was a child. I still remember vivid dreams I had as young as age six. I even sleepwalk, though not since Damian was born.
  21. I try to avoid using the verb “to get”, I prefer “to receive” or “to understand”.
  22. I am very much a DIY person, from making my own bread and pasta beginning with grinding my own wheat, to learning to knit and sew, I find it much more rewarding to accomplish something like that on my own.
  23. I love camping, especially in places where I can see the Milky Way, that would be all the fire I needed if I wasn’t so fond of Michael’s cobbler.
  24. Sometimes I feel like my body is too small for my soul. Sometimes I randomly feel filled with this amazing awakening flowing energy that wants to explode out of me in beautiful radiant light. I use to think it was the holy spirit.
  25. I respect those who oppose me, they are my greatest teachers.
8:00 am

Dream: Snake Moon

Last night I had a dream that Raveness (I read her blog over on livejournal) was giving me a tattoo in Greg’s (my father-in-law) office, he has a CPA business. For some reason Greg’s landlord had rented out half of the building to a tattoo parlor. There was a glass wall down the middle. Though Raveness was present through most of the dream, I don’t think we talk about anything substantial. We were talking though.

The tattoo was bizarre to say the least. The central design of the tattoo was encircled by one of my sun designs but it seemed to be shifting around, as if the rays were real. Raveness was just finishing the centeral design when I came into the dream. It was a snake in the form of a waxing crescent moon. It’s tail was the top point of the crescent, the body coiled back and forth to make up the main middle section and the head was the bottom point. It was holding a lantern in its mouth. The tattoo was on my back, behind my manipura chakra (solar plexus.) I mention this chakra because I remember thinking specifically about that in the dream. The snake was a part of that chakra, that thought made more sense in the dream.

At one point I got distracted and when I looked back at the mirror the “moon” was full. The snake was coiled in a circle, head in the middle, it’s eyes made of stars. The eyes were more more then eyes though, they seemed to be holes in me and the stars were inside me, shining through. At the same time, the eyes seemed to be looking at me too. Not sure where the lantern was at this point, maybe outside the sun disk…

Though the dream was black and white, the tattoo seemed to shine like tarnished silver, but it hinted at gold tones too, the same hues as Mexican gold. The whole tattoo seemed to have a life of its own, but it was definitely drawn on my skin.

Michael came by to pick me up. We were living with my mother, or she was living with us, I think the latter. I was trying to figure out how to hide it from her because I was concerned the moving tattoo would freak her out. I also didn’t think she would approve and didn’t want to make any waves. Then in the middle of those thoughts, the roof suddenly collapsed, snow came pouring in (we have had over 60 roof collapsed from snow load around Spokane in the past week, so this isn’t as random as it seems, as it has been on my mind recently.) My brother was standing at the edge of the hole in the roof for some reason and saw my tattoo.

We all got outside safely and he came down from the roof and teasing me that he was going to tell mom. At that point I didn’t really care anymore though. Marko (my boyfriend before I was with Michael) was in the crowd outside, which I noticed only fleetingly then, but seems to be hanging on my mind now that I am awake. My thoughts were drifting at this point between being really pleased with my tattoo and being worried about Greg’s work. Everything felt so surreal.

At some point during these thoughts I woke up.

1:01 pm

Tagged

The Rules:
1. By the Hammer tagged me.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.


Six random things about me:

  1. Orange is my favorite color, and that is an understatement. I love orange, it makes me smile. The shade I love best? Orange peel I think, but I love all the shades.
  2. I have two cats and I love them, but I admit, I am a dog person.
  3. I like disaster, post-apocalyptic and zombie movies. It doesn’t need a good plot for me to like it. Michael and I are currently watching Jeremiah on Netflix, very cool. Even Michael needs it, and he needs a plot.
  4. I like autobiographies, poetry, philosophy and spiritual books. While I don’t need a purpose in my movies I need it in my books. Though I do like the occasional lusty fantasy novel.
  5. I am learning to knit (yes, with orange yarn!)
  6. I think I am the only person left in Spokane who likes snow…
7:12 pm

Christmas Meme

decorations

Welcome to the Christmas edition of getting to know your friends.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Usually paper, unless I have leftover gift bags from the previous year. I always wanted to get this kind of wrapping paper, it is embedded with wildflower seeds.

2. Real tree or Artificial?
We have a white prelit six-foot artificial tree. We have had a real tree a couple times but I don’t like cleaning up pine needles or figuring out how to dispose of a real tree in the city.

3. When do you put up the tree?
Usually the first week of December we decorate it a few days after.

4. When do you take the tree down?
Between New Years and my birthday (January 9th.)

5. Do you like eggnog?
Yes, with rum!

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
Either my legos mindstorm kit or telescope.

7. Hardest person to buy for?
My husband. Most of the things left that he wants (like a new monitor) are out of my price range. I got him clothes this year (which he picked out.)

8. Easiest person to buy for?
Most people have a hobby or collections or something that you can work off of.

9. Do you have a nativity scene?
No. I celebrate Winter Solstice instead of Christmas.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?
Mail. I dislike getting email cards, it always ends up putting me on spam lists.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
No clue… I always enjoy my gifts. Even socks, I love colorful socks.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie?
A Christmas Story

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
I almost always make my Christmas gifts so I never really shop.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
I have made them out of recycled material…

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
homemade cranberry relish

16. Lights on the tree?
Prelit tree, even better the untangling wires!

17. Favorite Christmas song?
Carol of the Bells

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Stay Home!

19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer’s?
Dasher, Prancer, Comet, Donner, Blitzed, Pedro, Juan and Bubba
and Dominic the Donkey
and Leeroy the Redneck Reindeer

20. Angel on the tree top or a star?
Wicker stars and pinecones.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
Winter Solstice Day.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
How crazy people get when shopping.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color?
Silver, gold or clear icicles

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner?
Pot Roast

25. What do you want for Christmas this year?
A dvd teaching me how to knit and needles or one on bellydancing (my goals for the year.)

26. Favorite thing about Christmas?
When I was a child I most looked forward to waking up in the morning and having my stocking at the end of the bed full of neat little stuff and fruit and candy. I miss that. Now I am looking forward to doing that with Damian when he is old enough.